The Difference

For most of my life I have hoped to feel or look different than the way that I do. I think most everyone has something they would change about themselves. I often play/played the “if only “game.  As an adult, I have the head knowledge to know that “if only” has nothing to do with how I look and everything to do with how I feel. Even if we get the verbal accolades and recognition, we still feel discontent…or at least I do. And I have been trying to think about why that is. Is it about getting the accolades from the right people? Is it about knowing who we are inside the packaging? I think it is a little of both, but more about BELIEVEING. I know I wrote about that before, but I’ve always left out the word CHOOSE. I have to choose to believe who I am and that takes a tremendous amount of FAITH.

I can do faith in church. I can read God’s Word and claim His promises. I can trust that He has a plan that is bigger than me and that His plan is ultimately for my good. It isn’t easy, but it feels relatively safe. I have a much harder time doing faith with me. The “Words” I have had in my life have told me something different than what I am supposed to believe.  What if I believe something good about myself that just isn’t true? I know I am believing lies now….meaning I tell myself I'm less than, but isn’t it better to believe a bad lie and be wrong than to believe a good lie and be wrong? I’d rather believe that I’m not lovable and be pleasantly surprised than think that I am loved and be totally wrong. Because I have been wrong before and I don’t want to hold on to something that isn’t true ever again. If it has the potential to change then I don't want to hold on to it.

I had someone ask me today what I was running from. I didn’t realize that I was running, but I probably am. I’m running from hurt. Because I can count on one hand the times that I have cried from such a deep place of loss that I don’t want to ever let myself feel that way again. But that isn’t possible. I’m trying to make it possible. I try to limit the amount of people that I love so that less of me is exposed and I’m ashamed about that. Just because someone loves me am I obligated to love them back? Because if I love them back they will hurt me and leave me. I think this actually goes much deeper. It is not just about people in general…it is about the men in my life. I have had my heart broken by three different people in my life and all of them were men and none of them really knew how to love well. I think my grandfather made great strides towards loving well later in his life, but there were still moments of great wounding. And I know wounding is inevitable, but it would have meant everything – would mean everything – to hear “I’m sorry for not loving you well. I’m sorry for not making you the priority when I should have. I’m sorry for choosing what was best for me in the moments when you really needed me to choose what was best for you.” That would have made a difference.