This is actually a lyric from a song that I can barely listen to because it brings me to that gut-wrenching pain I try to avoid. It is actually a love song, but as I was getting ready to blog, it is the line that keeps popping up in my head.
As terrified as I was to do it, I finally wrote a letter to my dad. Whether I send it or not is to be determined, but I probably will. If nothing else, it offers an explanation as to why I don't typically call on holidays. I realize there is a lot for me to learn from my relationship with him that I can transfer to other relationships. No matter how hard I try, I can't make it in to something it is not. I can't make him want to know me. I can't make him affirm me. I can't make him tell me everything I have ever wanted to hear from a father...and I wish to God that people would stop trying to make up for it. Just because a relationship fails or fails to meet my/your/our expectations, a pithy substitute isn't going to fix it. I just need to deal with it. I want something I can't have. A stepdad or father figure won't fix it. Another relationship that feels safe won't fix it. It is what it is. I love my dad because he biologically contributed to my makeup and because I have a lot of his personality and would not be who I am had he not contributed to my makeup. That said, he is hard to love and has done nothing to earn my love...but I will always love him.
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