My goodness where did two months go? For that matter where did four months go? It is hard to believe that is how long we have been Washington residents. But here we are...in the midst of the Christmas season and getting ready to make a whole batch of new memories.
We already got to experience our first snow storm and it was glorious! I'm sure it was made better by the fact that the snow only lasted five days, but those five days were awesome. Snow clothes and sledding and hot chocolate. People keep asking if I am missing San Diego and in all honesty, I am not. That isn't to say I am not "homesick" for a thing or two, but when I step back and look at life, I choose here. Right now. Today. This is life. School buses and playing with the neighbors. Random drop in by friends to pick up crock pots. Phone calls from the school to say thank you. Life is definitely slower here and different. There is almost an innocence that catches me off guard at times. Things aren't overdone. Expectations aren't sky high. No one seems to need to impress anyone else. Oh, I am sure there are those circles, but they are not the majority. I love that we made this change...that God saw fit to bring our family here. I will always love CA, because it is where most of my memories are. But as the new memories start to form, I sometimes have a sense of deja vu...like this is home and where I was suppose to be all along.
Monday, December 6, 2010
Friday, September 24, 2010
Scars
I realized tonight that I have allowed myself to look forward. I have maybe fooled myself into a false sense of security as I have done before, but it has been...peaceful. Possibly I should not have watched Dateline tonight, but I have a habit of looking back and wanting to see if I have grown or changed from life circumstances. What I am realizing is that in the few short years we lived in San Diego, I was dealing with trauma. Some may argue it was somewhat self-inflicted - my house didn't burn down and my daughter was not murdered. But...it sure felt like it. It felt like I lost my home and I certainly could imagine what it felt like to lose a daughter.
In at two hour Dateline tonight - that I chose to watch - I realized that even after moving 1200 miles away, the scars will always remain. Rehashing the events of Chelsea King's disappearance and murder reduces me tears all over again. The violation that I still feel, miles away, is as fresh as it was on February 25th. The anger is overwhelming and I am completely unable to move on. Maybe that is not true. I have tried to move on, but the fear is real.
The reminder that both Chelsea and Amber Dubois deaths were preventable outrages me. Are my children safe? Who can I trust? These are questions I have not thought about or asked for the last two months. But as I watch the story recreated tonight, I remember those emotions and those days. I can still hear the helicopters circling our neighborhood and remember the gray gloomy skies with a foreboding sense of doom. Oh how I wish that I could go back to before that day. Or maybe I would wish to go back before the fires. All I know is that the more we have...or maybe it is the more we cherish what we have, the more we have to lose. Which then reminds me that none of it is really mine. I suppose that is a whole 'nother blog post. I just know that my scars will go with me wherever I am. I can try to ignore them, but I think sometimes - at least for me - it is beneficial to remember them. I can't help but look at my little girls and think of Kelly King tucking Chelsea in when she was seven. What if I only have ten more years with my little girl? I want to cherish and savor that time. I don't want to spend it fearing the what if. And that is just maybe the point where my scar rips open - because I don't know how to escape that.
In at two hour Dateline tonight - that I chose to watch - I realized that even after moving 1200 miles away, the scars will always remain. Rehashing the events of Chelsea King's disappearance and murder reduces me tears all over again. The violation that I still feel, miles away, is as fresh as it was on February 25th. The anger is overwhelming and I am completely unable to move on. Maybe that is not true. I have tried to move on, but the fear is real.
The reminder that both Chelsea and Amber Dubois deaths were preventable outrages me. Are my children safe? Who can I trust? These are questions I have not thought about or asked for the last two months. But as I watch the story recreated tonight, I remember those emotions and those days. I can still hear the helicopters circling our neighborhood and remember the gray gloomy skies with a foreboding sense of doom. Oh how I wish that I could go back to before that day. Or maybe I would wish to go back before the fires. All I know is that the more we have...or maybe it is the more we cherish what we have, the more we have to lose. Which then reminds me that none of it is really mine. I suppose that is a whole 'nother blog post. I just know that my scars will go with me wherever I am. I can try to ignore them, but I think sometimes - at least for me - it is beneficial to remember them. I can't help but look at my little girls and think of Kelly King tucking Chelsea in when she was seven. What if I only have ten more years with my little girl? I want to cherish and savor that time. I don't want to spend it fearing the what if. And that is just maybe the point where my scar rips open - because I don't know how to escape that.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Coaching
I had the incredible privilege of getting to travel cross country with my husband...on different flights. As crazy as it sounds, it was PERFECT. I didn't have to sit next to him while he watched The Green Zone and he didn't get to interrupt me 27 times to watch a certain scene. He also did get to distract me while I was engrossed in my books. That is right...I said books. I read one on the way there and one on the way back. Cover to cover...that my friends is L-U-X-U-A-R-Y.
Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.
Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".
As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.
The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.
As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.
Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.
Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.
Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".
As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.
The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.
As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.
Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
Contentment
In spite of having about six different drafts of posts, this is the first one in a month that is going to actually make it...at least I hope so. I keep thinking about what the last year has held and as much as it hurt and confused me to not quite get or see what God's bigger plan was, now that I am here...seemingly in the place God wants me/us...I think I might go through it all over again.
Tonight was our Back To School night and as I sat in my daughter's chair and listened to what the first two weeks of school held and what the next thirty six would hold, I was amazed. I was amazed to see how different each state runs its educational programs. But then I was reminded that it is more about what is valued and the state of Washington clearly values education. I have been in awe of where the bar is set for second graders but also excited to see my little girl soar above that bar.
As Mike and I were talking about Back To School night and sharing our impressions, he told me that he had heard a report that Washington had the highest SAT scores in the nation. I suppose that is impressive - it is - but an education is more than how you do on a standardized test. What I am seeing in the classroom are lifelong skills. Expository writing. Persuasive writing. Giving your story a voice. Whaaaaaaaat? In second grade? Putting together a PowerPoint deck. Inserting graphics into your slide show. Um...do I even know how to do that? I am so excited for the possibilities that lie ahead. I don't know that the teachers here are better than California, but I do know that they are valued and equipped better.
As I listened to my girls Skyping with their grandparents last week, Mike and I had a moment. My mom was asking if they wanted to come and visit and if the girls missed her. Grace quickly responded, "Maybe next summer Nana. We really like it in Seattle. It is really, really fun." Our family is SO content here. I know contentment can become a bad thing, but for right now, it is the peace that passes understanding. It is the complete assurance that we are exactly where we are suppose to be. And if I had to go through the last all over again to get to where we are right now...I think I would do it.
Tonight was our Back To School night and as I sat in my daughter's chair and listened to what the first two weeks of school held and what the next thirty six would hold, I was amazed. I was amazed to see how different each state runs its educational programs. But then I was reminded that it is more about what is valued and the state of Washington clearly values education. I have been in awe of where the bar is set for second graders but also excited to see my little girl soar above that bar.
As Mike and I were talking about Back To School night and sharing our impressions, he told me that he had heard a report that Washington had the highest SAT scores in the nation. I suppose that is impressive - it is - but an education is more than how you do on a standardized test. What I am seeing in the classroom are lifelong skills. Expository writing. Persuasive writing. Giving your story a voice. Whaaaaaaaat? In second grade? Putting together a PowerPoint deck. Inserting graphics into your slide show. Um...do I even know how to do that? I am so excited for the possibilities that lie ahead. I don't know that the teachers here are better than California, but I do know that they are valued and equipped better.
As I listened to my girls Skyping with their grandparents last week, Mike and I had a moment. My mom was asking if they wanted to come and visit and if the girls missed her. Grace quickly responded, "Maybe next summer Nana. We really like it in Seattle. It is really, really fun." Our family is SO content here. I know contentment can become a bad thing, but for right now, it is the peace that passes understanding. It is the complete assurance that we are exactly where we are suppose to be. And if I had to go through the last all over again to get to where we are right now...I think I would do it.
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Looking Forward
Even though I will be leaving San Diego in less than 10 hours, I feel like I need to at least chronicle everything going through my head and heart at this time. I can pinpoint a handful of people that I will dearly miss, but for the most part I am excited and relieved that this chapter of life is coming to a close. I can't put my finger on it, but it was a hard few years. After opening up a bottle of wine and discussing with my other half, we rehashed what worked and what didn't about living in San Diego. It amuses me that as often as people comment on the inclement weather in Seattle, they comment on the "blissful" weather in San Diego. For the record...I am not a fan of San Diego weather. I am excited about seasons and green and weather. I promise to check in six months from now and let you know if my thoughts have changed, but I just feel like I have been looking forward to leaving for awhile now. Like I said, I am going to miss a few special girls. I feel like my time with them was short, but I also feel like they are life long friendships that will never fade.
So as I/we look forward to this next chapter, I don't want to lose sight of all that I have learned from being here...and I have learned a lot. In no way was coming here a mistake. Who I have become because of being in San Diego is...a different person than who I was before. It sounds so corny and yet, I have learned a lot of very hard lessons while here. God has pruned me, shaped me, pounded me from a lot of sides. I look back and smile knowing that even a year ago, I did not possess a fourth of the patience I have now...and I don't know how patient I am even now. But I do know that I have let go of a tremendous amount of control because I realized that I truly don't have any. And as crazy as it sounds, there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that. There is comfort also in knowing that we prayed long and hard and that at times we (I noticed that I went from I to we) doubted that we were even being heard. The uncertainty and angst of feeling out of place here became unbearable at times, but looking back (got to love hindsight) we now know that our prayers were heard. We are actually thanking God for the jobs that Mike did not get and overwhelmed by the job that he did get. We are amazed at the people who have come into our lives over the past month and can see clearly that He has placed every single one of them in our lives. Our faith was so small and His provision was so big. I am looking forward to where we are going, but I promise to never forget where we have come from. I am different. My husband is different. Our faith is different. Our perspectives are different. And I am looking forward to what Seattle/Bellevue has to teach me.
So as I/we look forward to this next chapter, I don't want to lose sight of all that I have learned from being here...and I have learned a lot. In no way was coming here a mistake. Who I have become because of being in San Diego is...a different person than who I was before. It sounds so corny and yet, I have learned a lot of very hard lessons while here. God has pruned me, shaped me, pounded me from a lot of sides. I look back and smile knowing that even a year ago, I did not possess a fourth of the patience I have now...and I don't know how patient I am even now. But I do know that I have let go of a tremendous amount of control because I realized that I truly don't have any. And as crazy as it sounds, there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that. There is comfort also in knowing that we prayed long and hard and that at times we (I noticed that I went from I to we) doubted that we were even being heard. The uncertainty and angst of feeling out of place here became unbearable at times, but looking back (got to love hindsight) we now know that our prayers were heard. We are actually thanking God for the jobs that Mike did not get and overwhelmed by the job that he did get. We are amazed at the people who have come into our lives over the past month and can see clearly that He has placed every single one of them in our lives. Our faith was so small and His provision was so big. I am looking forward to where we are going, but I promise to never forget where we have come from. I am different. My husband is different. Our faith is different. Our perspectives are different. And I am looking forward to what Seattle/Bellevue has to teach me.
Friday, July 30, 2010
Baggage
In the midst of packing literally baggage, it is amazing what types of emotional baggage come to the surface. One can't help but sift through a lifetime of memories while putting things into boxes. That I can deal with for the most part. My issues seem to surface when I try as hard as I can to not let the chaos of moving impact my little ones. I'm trying to keep life as normal as possible for them while life is anything but normal. Fortunately they have both been in camp for these last two weeks, which has helped both them and us. They have been having fun and learning, but also coming home to a drastically different home everyday. Yesterday, they arrived to see thier rooms stripped bare and today they will arrive home to see thier rooms empty. But I digress.
This morning we had an instance of miscommunication...I mean lack of communication from dad...that meant the girls were not dressed properly or on time for camp. Fortunately I sent them with a change of clothes just in case, but it was panic. At least that is what I was told my husband. And then the baggage surfaced. Memories of feeling like my mom was the only one who missed the memo. Wanting so badly to not stand out because I didn't get it right. Ugh...the memories. I know I am being hard on myself, but I just never want my girls to have to feel those feelings of wishing they had a different mom. Clearly I am blowing this out of proportion. In fact I know I am.
Fast forward a few hours as I go to pick up the girls up from camp and profusely apologize for the mishap, Grace looked at me like she wasn't totally sure what I was talking about. And, that is when I realize that it was my baggage that I had been schleping around all morning.
This morning we had an instance of miscommunication...I mean lack of communication from dad...that meant the girls were not dressed properly or on time for camp. Fortunately I sent them with a change of clothes just in case, but it was panic. At least that is what I was told my husband. And then the baggage surfaced. Memories of feeling like my mom was the only one who missed the memo. Wanting so badly to not stand out because I didn't get it right. Ugh...the memories. I know I am being hard on myself, but I just never want my girls to have to feel those feelings of wishing they had a different mom. Clearly I am blowing this out of proportion. In fact I know I am.
Fast forward a few hours as I go to pick up the girls up from camp and profusely apologize for the mishap, Grace looked at me like she wasn't totally sure what I was talking about. And, that is when I realize that it was my baggage that I had been schleping around all morning.
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Change is Coming
Gosh, it has been awhile since I wrote. Life got a little crazy there around the beginning of the month. After a long, long, long process...Mike accepted a job in Seattle (well Bellevue to be exact) and we are in the process of moving on. He starts on August 2nd, so there really isn't much time to get our heads around this. It has been interesting to hear the responses from people when we tell them we are moving to Seattle. Usually the first response is, "Is this a good move?". I'm never quite sure how to respond to that simply because we wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a good move. I guess I can understand that some people really have no choice and they need to go where the job(s) are. This was a well thought out decision for us. I love my home, my friends and my community, but I'm just about done with our state and our education. It will be difficult to leave San Diego in the spring, but I won't miss all the brown. I can't wait to post pictures on Facebook of all the trees and grass!!! (And I know...there is a very good reason why everything is so green.)
But in all of that/this/whatever it has been fascinating to see all of our (the 4 of us) personalities come out. And now that I think about it, I think I am the only one of us that really LIKES change. Mike is doing well and is excited for his new job. Truth be told, he wasn't with us last week while we were house hunting so he has NO idea where we are going. He has seen pictures, but won't see it until he picks up the keys next Sunday. Grace is indifferent. She says she is excited, but then she starts to wonder about starting a new school and meeting new friends. She is open to change, but unsure about how it will all play out. Emma...I'm pretty sure she is not on board with this. We've been in the throws of going away activities and she keeps insisting that we are going to visit Seattle, but we are going to live in San Diego. I can tell it is going to take some time and snuggles to get her through. We did visit her new school last week which was good, but we are walking a fine line there as well. In California she makes the cutoff for kindergarten and in Washington she doesn't. We found a great Pre-K program for her that is academic. Being a second born girl means she is TOTALLY ready, but I have to admit I am relieved to not have to wonder if I should have held her back. BUT...she is adamant that she is not going to preschool anymore. So we are dealing with a semantics game that hopefully works out for the next ten months.
Change. Over the last ten months this is something that Mike and I have talked about at length. We joke about it, but we are both very aware of our personalities and predispositions to change. We balance each other out extremely well, and it helps us tremendously to have insight into our children. I don't want them to become paralyzed by the fear of change, but I also want them to be able to feel reassured knowing that they can count on many things always being the same. So maybe I should emphasize "Same is Coming" instead of "Change". I guess I just don't want "Change" to become a bad word.
But in all of that/this/whatever it has been fascinating to see all of our (the 4 of us) personalities come out. And now that I think about it, I think I am the only one of us that really LIKES change. Mike is doing well and is excited for his new job. Truth be told, he wasn't with us last week while we were house hunting so he has NO idea where we are going. He has seen pictures, but won't see it until he picks up the keys next Sunday. Grace is indifferent. She says she is excited, but then she starts to wonder about starting a new school and meeting new friends. She is open to change, but unsure about how it will all play out. Emma...I'm pretty sure she is not on board with this. We've been in the throws of going away activities and she keeps insisting that we are going to visit Seattle, but we are going to live in San Diego. I can tell it is going to take some time and snuggles to get her through. We did visit her new school last week which was good, but we are walking a fine line there as well. In California she makes the cutoff for kindergarten and in Washington she doesn't. We found a great Pre-K program for her that is academic. Being a second born girl means she is TOTALLY ready, but I have to admit I am relieved to not have to wonder if I should have held her back. BUT...she is adamant that she is not going to preschool anymore. So we are dealing with a semantics game that hopefully works out for the next ten months.
Change. Over the last ten months this is something that Mike and I have talked about at length. We joke about it, but we are both very aware of our personalities and predispositions to change. We balance each other out extremely well, and it helps us tremendously to have insight into our children. I don't want them to become paralyzed by the fear of change, but I also want them to be able to feel reassured knowing that they can count on many things always being the same. So maybe I should emphasize "Same is Coming" instead of "Change". I guess I just don't want "Change" to become a bad word.
Monday, June 28, 2010
Untitled
I haven't titled this post because I don't know what to title it. In some ways it is an extension of my first post. Remember when I said I had intentionally distanced myself over the past year. I have been faced this past week with the realization of what that means. I don't regret my choices, but I also am fighting hard to not start wondering or worrying what people think about me "checking out". So often I wish that when I met someone, I could just give them the disclaimer of "I'm moody and have anti-social tendencies - befriend me at your own risk". I'm sort of that classic "It's not you, it's me" girl. I'm not depressed and I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating the facts. I know my issues. I know my "buttons". I am far from perfect and can easily explain why I am the way I am.
Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.
So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.
Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.
So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.
Friday, June 25, 2010
Uncertainty
I know it has been a couple of weeks since I wrote, but I have really been pondering what to write about. Not because of writer's block, but because so much has been going through my head. There is a lot of uncertainty in life right now and I often focus on that rather than the things that I am certain of. And I tell myself there isn't much that I am certain of, but in reality, I have much to be certain of. Yesterday I ran into someone in the parking lot and started talking to her. First, this is so not who I am. I am the anti-social one who usually races to my car. Small talk in the parking lot is definitely not my comfort zone. But I made a point to walk up to her and put my arm around her. Recently she found out that her middle son who is four years old is mentally retarded. I have an older brother who is mentally retarded. I despise the word "retarded" for that reason. My brother has always been a part of my life and I wanted to reach out to her from the perspective of a sibling dealing with a handicapped child. I can't begin to imagine what is must be like from the parent perspective. I watched my mom go through it, but she has never handled it well. After forty-four years, she is still very angry about my brother.
But my friend is different. First, she has a solid marriage and they both share a deep faith. Second, she is surrounded by a strong community that has been there for her consistently. I can imagine that she is feeling a tremendous amount of uncertainty and that she will continue to feel that way. But then I step back and think about our conversation and how we both agreed that life isn't perfect and pretty and that someday, not on this side of Heaven, things hopefully will make sense. Or maybe they won't, but does God really owe us an explanation? We can be certain of His love and we can be certain that He is not surprised by the circumstances of our lives.
So in the midst of uncertainty of how the details of life will unfold, I am reminding myself of all that I can be certain of and thanking God for unanswered prayers even when it breaks my heart.
But my friend is different. First, she has a solid marriage and they both share a deep faith. Second, she is surrounded by a strong community that has been there for her consistently. I can imagine that she is feeling a tremendous amount of uncertainty and that she will continue to feel that way. But then I step back and think about our conversation and how we both agreed that life isn't perfect and pretty and that someday, not on this side of Heaven, things hopefully will make sense. Or maybe they won't, but does God really owe us an explanation? We can be certain of His love and we can be certain that He is not surprised by the circumstances of our lives.
So in the midst of uncertainty of how the details of life will unfold, I am reminding myself of all that I can be certain of and thanking God for unanswered prayers even when it breaks my heart.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Desire
My book this year...yeah, I've needed to just keep going back to it again and again...has been about desire. Not in the sexy, romantic sense, but in the deep longings in life sense. How many times do we really reflect on what it means to desire? And when the desire is unfulfilled, the waiting and groaning and longing. Regardless of the desire, the process is the same. The reason I have needed to go back and read and reflect is because the desire is not going away. I am learning what it means to wait and groan....and surrender. Oh how I hate that word. The surrender has been the hardest part and yet the most freeing. I thought today I would share some of what I have learned.
Longing leads to fullness somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, being content is not the same as being full. Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. It is deciding that you no longer want to be ruled by your desires.
Pascal says we can be satisfied, but we can't be sated. A glass of wine vs. a bottle of wine. Our souls are always going to demand their fill here and now. We are not meant to be filled here and now.
I need to be undone. I want my desires to be at rest. I don't want to be ruled by them. But with the heartache comes unfilled desires. Looking back we can all agree there were many things we thought we wanted that we are grateful we did not get, but in the moment, we mourn the loss. We feel the pain. We know the ache. We must allow time for sorrow. We must not run from sorrow, but embrace it.
Longing leads to fullness somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, being content is not the same as being full. Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. It is deciding that you no longer want to be ruled by your desires.
Pascal says we can be satisfied, but we can't be sated. A glass of wine vs. a bottle of wine. Our souls are always going to demand their fill here and now. We are not meant to be filled here and now.
I need to be undone. I want my desires to be at rest. I don't want to be ruled by them. But with the heartache comes unfilled desires. Looking back we can all agree there were many things we thought we wanted that we are grateful we did not get, but in the moment, we mourn the loss. We feel the pain. We know the ache. We must allow time for sorrow. We must not run from sorrow, but embrace it.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Fatherhood
Typically a female pouring out her heart would write about motherhood, but today I am inspired to write about the other half. Every few months a conversation ensues at our house between myself and someone I will not name asking when he is going to have time to do what he wants on a weekend. Given where I've been at in my head lately - and he knows where I've been in my head as well - I remind him that right now the weekends tend to be about the kids activities. Thankfully he recovers quickly. All I know is I left this afternoon for a tea and felt a bit guilty about doing something alone when he was feeling edgy. All week long our oldest has been wanting to make a cardboard car for an event tomorrow night. What we both hoped would be an easier project became much more when our daughter drew out plans for what the car would look like. Two hours later I came home to a pink sedan with a sunroof, headlights and wheels. I'm almost at a loss for words.
Granted, I grew up in a different generation and dads today are much more engaged, but what he gave our daughter today was much more than a pink car. He gave her time and interest and excitement. Long before we were married, I shared all of my "daddy issues" and impressed upon him how vital his role would be in our children's lives. He will always be the first boy who fell in love with them. The joy I hear as I type takes my breath away. In the moments when I question whether or not he really enjoys being a dad - I know, but we've all done it ladies, right? - I will always remember a pink sedan. He already does so much for us and today, when he could have played Wii or folded laundry -another noble task-, he broke out bubblegum pink paint and made his girls smile. And he did it with a smile.
I never would have had the patience or creativity to do what he did today. I would have taken a shortcut or tried to talk our daughter out of her plans. I would have squashed her vision or maybe told her to go it alone. I would not have taken on the project with excitement and joy. Daddies are amazing creatures. In the beginning they feel so helpless because there isn't much they can do with a newborn. But as time passes and heartstrings attach, these men become the apple of their child's eye. I love that my husband fills a space that only he can fill. And I love that even though he would much rather being doing something for himself today, he gave of himself instead.
Granted, I grew up in a different generation and dads today are much more engaged, but what he gave our daughter today was much more than a pink car. He gave her time and interest and excitement. Long before we were married, I shared all of my "daddy issues" and impressed upon him how vital his role would be in our children's lives. He will always be the first boy who fell in love with them. The joy I hear as I type takes my breath away. In the moments when I question whether or not he really enjoys being a dad - I know, but we've all done it ladies, right? - I will always remember a pink sedan. He already does so much for us and today, when he could have played Wii or folded laundry -another noble task-, he broke out bubblegum pink paint and made his girls smile. And he did it with a smile.
I never would have had the patience or creativity to do what he did today. I would have taken a shortcut or tried to talk our daughter out of her plans. I would have squashed her vision or maybe told her to go it alone. I would not have taken on the project with excitement and joy. Daddies are amazing creatures. In the beginning they feel so helpless because there isn't much they can do with a newborn. But as time passes and heartstrings attach, these men become the apple of their child's eye. I love that my husband fills a space that only he can fill. And I love that even though he would much rather being doing something for himself today, he gave of himself instead.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Confessions
This will be the last SATC2 related post, but it is worth commenting on. The other poignant part of SATC2 is Charlotte's mommy meltdown. For those not well versed in all things SATC, Charlotte struggled with infertility and wanted nothing more than to be a mother. She finally adopts only to find herself sobbing in the pantry feeling overwhelmed. And that my friends is reality...the full time, live-in Scottish nanny - not-so-much. But what great writing...or better yet, what authentic writing.
So, seeing Charlotte "losing" it, Miranda - like any good girlfriend - gets some cosmos and plays Mommy Confessions. Take a drink and confess one aspect of motherhood that blindsided you. Or one feeling that you have that you feel guilty for having. I think there was a time in life when this game would have served me well. My favorite line - again...great writing - is when Charlotte "confesses" and then acknowledges "AND I HAVE FULL TIME HELP. How do the other women do it?". The funny thing is that a few years back I actually had a group of women say that to me. They all had nannies...not full-time, but always available and they said, "I don't know how you do it." I fought the urge to go home and tell my hubby how amazing I was, until I realized that being a mom seems a little bit easier now than when our mothers and grandmothers did it. Salad-in-a-bag alone has changed my life.
The truth is that everyone struggles with every life transition, but for me motherhood was the hardest. First, I was surprised by my double lined test. I had only been married for five months at the time and hadn't really given a lot of thought to children. Second, the minute I saw the lines I sobbed because I knew that I was a selfish girl and that my world was about to change. And I have struggled with that consistently for seven years - almost. We lose ourselves in motherhood...and I think we should...to an extent. We need to remember what made us feel like "us". For some women, they still need their career. For some women, they need to be able to sit down and read a book. For some women they need to create - scrapbooks, cards, girly stuff. Whatever it is, you need to confess that motherhood blindsided you. It blindsides EVERYONE! Did any of us expect to love these little ones as much as we do? I know I didn't. I'm looking at an almost seven year-old and thinking, "You changed my life. You changed who I am and who I want to be. I never knew how much I needed you." She has taught me so much. My hubby and I affectionately refer to her as my "sandpaper". She is the one that rubs up against me and exposes my flaws. She is the one that is teaching me to think before I act, because I never want my actions to hurt her spirit. She is the one that is teaching me.
Does that mean that I don't need to go to Book Club tonight and have a glass of wine? Um, not on your life.
So, seeing Charlotte "losing" it, Miranda - like any good girlfriend - gets some cosmos and plays Mommy Confessions. Take a drink and confess one aspect of motherhood that blindsided you. Or one feeling that you have that you feel guilty for having. I think there was a time in life when this game would have served me well. My favorite line - again...great writing - is when Charlotte "confesses" and then acknowledges "AND I HAVE FULL TIME HELP. How do the other women do it?". The funny thing is that a few years back I actually had a group of women say that to me. They all had nannies...not full-time, but always available and they said, "I don't know how you do it." I fought the urge to go home and tell my hubby how amazing I was, until I realized that being a mom seems a little bit easier now than when our mothers and grandmothers did it. Salad-in-a-bag alone has changed my life.
The truth is that everyone struggles with every life transition, but for me motherhood was the hardest. First, I was surprised by my double lined test. I had only been married for five months at the time and hadn't really given a lot of thought to children. Second, the minute I saw the lines I sobbed because I knew that I was a selfish girl and that my world was about to change. And I have struggled with that consistently for seven years - almost. We lose ourselves in motherhood...and I think we should...to an extent. We need to remember what made us feel like "us". For some women, they still need their career. For some women, they need to be able to sit down and read a book. For some women they need to create - scrapbooks, cards, girly stuff. Whatever it is, you need to confess that motherhood blindsided you. It blindsides EVERYONE! Did any of us expect to love these little ones as much as we do? I know I didn't. I'm looking at an almost seven year-old and thinking, "You changed my life. You changed who I am and who I want to be. I never knew how much I needed you." She has taught me so much. My hubby and I affectionately refer to her as my "sandpaper". She is the one that rubs up against me and exposes my flaws. She is the one that is teaching me to think before I act, because I never want my actions to hurt her spirit. She is the one that is teaching me.
Does that mean that I don't need to go to Book Club tonight and have a glass of wine? Um, not on your life.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
Marriage
Today I was able to steal away for a midday movie. Considering this season in life, a Tuesday morning movie is pure luxury. And...a shout out to the man in my life for giving me the thumbs up. Tuesday is his work from home day so an 11am movie was not entirely out of the question. A few other moms joined me - although it was really just sitting next to each since we didn't have time for a movie and discussion - which was great because I got to see that we all laughed in different places than other females in the audience.
So...Sex In The City 2. What else would I spend $9 on?
As I am sitting there watching and enjoying, I quickly realize how annoyed I am getting by Carrie. She has been married for two years and has turned into...I don't know. She is a nag and is just unhappy. I'm watching this "girl" - I know she is a fictional character, but I was one of those girls who lived vicariously through movies- and thinking "grow up".
The ultimate single girl has gotten married and is missing the "sparkle" - her words, not mine. Oh honey - marriage isn't about sparkle. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, you have an amazing guy who wants to stay home and eat take out with you and it isn't enough?". Don't get me wrong. I am not about to jump up on my soapbox. I have thought many, many times about my old apartment in Santa Monica and how much I would love to still have it for an escape. Conveinently for Carrie she has kept her apartment...FOR TWO YEARS! But marriage is work and is compromise and as I was watching the movie, I realized that I had jumped a hurdle. A year ago I would have walked out of SATC2 and felt like I had missed out on something. I would have wanted to have fabulous clothes and be going out for cosmos. Instead, I left the movie thinking how much I appreciate what marriage has come to mean. I have had the "sparkle" talk with my husband and time or two. I am sure I will have it again. My take away from the movie was that Big wanted to spend time with Carrie. He had been out there and he wanted to just "be". As ladies I think that is a hard adjustment. We get used to the attention and excitement. I love the attention and excitement. But even more, I love the comfort of knowing that I am with the person I want to be with everyday. But like I said...a year ago I wasn't there yet. Maybe I am starting to mature. Or, maybe I am starting to realize that marriage really does have seasons and that not every season is Spring. I don't wish Winter on anyone, but there is something glorious about Summer. The comfort of a warm laugh. Touching toes as you read in silence. Admitting you can't sleep when the other one isn't beside you. Knowing that a decision doesn't feel good until you have talked it through with someone who knows the way you think. To me, that is sparkle. That is not boring. I'm not saying I would refuse a black diamond ring. But I would much rather have the man who wants to come home to me and tell me about his day.
Maybe tomorrow I will write about Charlotte and Miranda's drinking game.
So...Sex In The City 2. What else would I spend $9 on?
As I am sitting there watching and enjoying, I quickly realize how annoyed I am getting by Carrie. She has been married for two years and has turned into...I don't know. She is a nag and is just unhappy. I'm watching this "girl" - I know she is a fictional character, but I was one of those girls who lived vicariously through movies- and thinking "grow up".
The ultimate single girl has gotten married and is missing the "sparkle" - her words, not mine. Oh honey - marriage isn't about sparkle. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, you have an amazing guy who wants to stay home and eat take out with you and it isn't enough?". Don't get me wrong. I am not about to jump up on my soapbox. I have thought many, many times about my old apartment in Santa Monica and how much I would love to still have it for an escape. Conveinently for Carrie she has kept her apartment...FOR TWO YEARS! But marriage is work and is compromise and as I was watching the movie, I realized that I had jumped a hurdle. A year ago I would have walked out of SATC2 and felt like I had missed out on something. I would have wanted to have fabulous clothes and be going out for cosmos. Instead, I left the movie thinking how much I appreciate what marriage has come to mean. I have had the "sparkle" talk with my husband and time or two. I am sure I will have it again. My take away from the movie was that Big wanted to spend time with Carrie. He had been out there and he wanted to just "be". As ladies I think that is a hard adjustment. We get used to the attention and excitement. I love the attention and excitement. But even more, I love the comfort of knowing that I am with the person I want to be with everyday. But like I said...a year ago I wasn't there yet. Maybe I am starting to mature. Or, maybe I am starting to realize that marriage really does have seasons and that not every season is Spring. I don't wish Winter on anyone, but there is something glorious about Summer. The comfort of a warm laugh. Touching toes as you read in silence. Admitting you can't sleep when the other one isn't beside you. Knowing that a decision doesn't feel good until you have talked it through with someone who knows the way you think. To me, that is sparkle. That is not boring. I'm not saying I would refuse a black diamond ring. But I would much rather have the man who wants to come home to me and tell me about his day.
Maybe tomorrow I will write about Charlotte and Miranda's drinking game.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Joy
I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. Where does my joy come from and more importantly why and what do I allow to steal my joy? I think I steal my own joy most of the time. I let details and comparisons get the best of me. Actually, I let that little tiny whisper in the back of my head become my focus rather than stepping back and looking around.
My joy most certainly comes from my faith, but most days no one would know it. I look frowny and grumpy. So I have decided to think about the belly laughs of my girls and the feel of a hand in mine when I start down my road of uncertainty. I am going to think about afternoon dates with my best friend and shared bowls of ice cream with the person who knows me best. I going to think about the sound of childish conversations lamenting over who is going to be the mommy this time. And I will cherish the tenderness in which my girls "mother' each other.
I have so much to be joyful about and I am done with giving it away to a silly impostor. My girls don't see me the way I see myself. My husband doesn't see me the way I see myself. So it is time to start seeing myself the way they see me and reflecting the joy that I have in being. Not "just" a mom or a wife, but in being and being joyful for every moment.
My joy most certainly comes from my faith, but most days no one would know it. I look frowny and grumpy. So I have decided to think about the belly laughs of my girls and the feel of a hand in mine when I start down my road of uncertainty. I am going to think about afternoon dates with my best friend and shared bowls of ice cream with the person who knows me best. I going to think about the sound of childish conversations lamenting over who is going to be the mommy this time. And I will cherish the tenderness in which my girls "mother' each other.
I have so much to be joyful about and I am done with giving it away to a silly impostor. My girls don't see me the way I see myself. My husband doesn't see me the way I see myself. So it is time to start seeing myself the way they see me and reflecting the joy that I have in being. Not "just" a mom or a wife, but in being and being joyful for every moment.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
I'm Back
After a brief (ok...not so brief) hiatus and much soul searching, I am back. I allowed Facebook to serve as my main mode of communication, but realized that most people on Facebook wouldn't really care about the updates about what is going on in my head. Then I realized that a lot of people just post links to their blogs and then if people want to read the updates, they can.
So, I am back. Part of the hiatus I can blame on Facebook and the bigger part I blame on me. I am about to admit that I have spent the last year contemplating and evaluating life. At times it has been a bit depressing, but for the most part it has been therapeutic. Actually as I write, it may be more fitting to say I have spent the last two years...no, four years...oh who am I kidding. I always am contemplating. But...I have come to some realizations. I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what my 46 year-old self would tell my 36 year-old self and in the process have relaxed quite a bit. I am finally acknowledging that I don't have to fit into a mold. In no way do I profess to have answers, but I'm trying each day to accept myself and others for who we all are.
I am a thinker. I am always thinking and analyzing. My suspicion is that most people find that to be too heavy. I don't enjoy light conversations because I don't know how to have them. I am constantly thinking about my choices, other peoples choices and the impact that choices have on other people. I'm constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think, because what I think is just my opinion and I need to live my life, not other people's lives.
I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I am not sure if that is because I have a loner nature or if it is because I am constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think.
I compare myself to other people quite often only to come back to accepting the choices that I am making. For a long time I put expectations on myself of what kind of mother I was going to be, only to step back and think about what I wanted my children to be like at eighteen. When I think about how I want them to remember our family and their childhood, it stops me from comparing myself.
So what would my 46 year old self say to me? I don't know, but I can only guess that she would first remind me that I have a 17 year-old (I will in 2020) and a 15 year-old and that the time went fast. Then she would tell me to relax and savor each and every second. That it was better to stay home and read a book than rush to one more activity. That it was better to stay home with my children while they were young and not take a vacation. That my children will remember the time spent together more than the places we visited. I think she would tell me that it is OK to be introspective and to think all the time as long as those thoughts are productive. I think she would tell me to keep my mouth shut and to remember that I don't know everything. I am sure life is going to throw me some curve balls and when they come I am likely to look back and realize that I don't always have the answer.
I have alienated a lot of people over the past year which saddens me. I take responsibility for the changes, but they were well thought out changes. I guess I just stepped back and thought about who I was and realized that I was tired of playing a part. There comes a time in life when it is time to be authentic and real, and I am hoping that I am at that point. I'm not perfect. I can be incredibly difficult. I don't fit into a mold. And finally after years of trying to make myself fit...of trying to be perky and funny, I'm OK with being me. I'm quick to apologize for my abrasive nature, but I am also willing to own my choices and teach my girls to do the same thing. I just think it is time to be excited about the way God wired me.
So, I am back. Part of the hiatus I can blame on Facebook and the bigger part I blame on me. I am about to admit that I have spent the last year contemplating and evaluating life. At times it has been a bit depressing, but for the most part it has been therapeutic. Actually as I write, it may be more fitting to say I have spent the last two years...no, four years...oh who am I kidding. I always am contemplating. But...I have come to some realizations. I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what my 46 year-old self would tell my 36 year-old self and in the process have relaxed quite a bit. I am finally acknowledging that I don't have to fit into a mold. In no way do I profess to have answers, but I'm trying each day to accept myself and others for who we all are.
I am a thinker. I am always thinking and analyzing. My suspicion is that most people find that to be too heavy. I don't enjoy light conversations because I don't know how to have them. I am constantly thinking about my choices, other peoples choices and the impact that choices have on other people. I'm constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think, because what I think is just my opinion and I need to live my life, not other people's lives.
I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I am not sure if that is because I have a loner nature or if it is because I am constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think.
I compare myself to other people quite often only to come back to accepting the choices that I am making. For a long time I put expectations on myself of what kind of mother I was going to be, only to step back and think about what I wanted my children to be like at eighteen. When I think about how I want them to remember our family and their childhood, it stops me from comparing myself.
So what would my 46 year old self say to me? I don't know, but I can only guess that she would first remind me that I have a 17 year-old (I will in 2020) and a 15 year-old and that the time went fast. Then she would tell me to relax and savor each and every second. That it was better to stay home and read a book than rush to one more activity. That it was better to stay home with my children while they were young and not take a vacation. That my children will remember the time spent together more than the places we visited. I think she would tell me that it is OK to be introspective and to think all the time as long as those thoughts are productive. I think she would tell me to keep my mouth shut and to remember that I don't know everything. I am sure life is going to throw me some curve balls and when they come I am likely to look back and realize that I don't always have the answer.
I have alienated a lot of people over the past year which saddens me. I take responsibility for the changes, but they were well thought out changes. I guess I just stepped back and thought about who I was and realized that I was tired of playing a part. There comes a time in life when it is time to be authentic and real, and I am hoping that I am at that point. I'm not perfect. I can be incredibly difficult. I don't fit into a mold. And finally after years of trying to make myself fit...of trying to be perky and funny, I'm OK with being me. I'm quick to apologize for my abrasive nature, but I am also willing to own my choices and teach my girls to do the same thing. I just think it is time to be excited about the way God wired me.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)