I love my husband for a million reasons, but particularly because this is the question he asked me on a date a couple of weeks ago. I answered him, but after sitting in church on Mother's Day and listening to another mother talk about her jouney in and through Motherhood, I decided I needed to write out my story.
Let me begin by saying that when I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, I was not excited. I cried. I had been married for five months and never had thought seriously about children. In theory I figured maybe someday we would begin to discuss children. While dating we talked about parenting. The truth was that I was realistic about what it meant to be a parent and I knew that my life would never be the same again. I was selfish and while I did not have great parenting examples, I just knew that there was going to be a lot of sacrifice. As I write this now, I think I knew that I was going to sacrifice the attention of my husband which I desperately did not want to share. He was thrilled, but he was naive and I knew that. We talked a lot about what life would be like. A thing that I still love about "us". We talk...a lot. And we talk transparently. So I shared with him that I never wanted him to love our children more than he loved me. I knew it came from a place of wanting to be a priority in his life because I never had felt like I was a priority in anyone else's life.
While I am on the brink of having three children, I want to focus on that first one. The one who made me a mom. The one who is shaping and molding me still...every...single...day. I remember sitting on the side of our bed on June 18, 2003 and looking at the bassinet that was set up. Because my little one was laying straight across (transverse) I was scheduled to have a C-Section. I was actually quite all right with this as it meant I would avoid labor and that we were able to pack our bags and plan our "vacation" to the hospital. As I sat on the side of the bed, in my thoughts, I told myself life would never be the same again. When I walked back into this room, I would be responsible for another human being. I would not be allowed to be selfish. And as I write that it seems strange, because in no way did I feel bonded to this baby. (Yes, I admitted that.) I have since learned that mothers bond with their children at different stages and I did not bond with mine until....I'm not sure when. My guess is she was about three weeks old. But it was not while I was pregnant. Even when they set her on me in the operating room...there was not an emotional connection. I was overwhelmed. Not depressed, but moreso like a deer in headlights. I had not read any books. I did not have the right gear. I had no clue what nursing pads were. Looking back I smile, but I also want to take that young mother in my arms and hug her and tell her how proud I am of her.
It did take a few weeks, but in those few weeks I transformed. And this is where I answer the question of what it feels like. Motherhood feels like you get turned inside out. I have never felt so helpless in my whole life. The first time she got sick, I promised her that once she could talk and tell me what was wrong that I would never tell her to be quiet. She is almost eight and as she gets off the bus crying telling about hurt feelings, I wish there was a perscription that I could fill to make the hurt go away. I thought the helplessness of infancy would fade, but it doesn't. Being a mother makes you more raw than you ever thought possible. I have never felt more passionate about anything in my life. I have never taken anything more seriously than I take mothering.
Over the past 48 hours, I have really tried to digest my thoughts knowing that putting my inmost thoughts on parenting into print could change people's perception of me. From those first few weeks of being a new mom until now, there is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking about the big picture. My own mother accusses me of being too rigid. I know that others think I am inflexible. From the beginning, I have always started as I meant to go. When others think I am sweating the small stuff, I can tell you exactly why I am making a big deal about something. In general, my mind never really stops, but when it comes to parenting, I am always processing and analyzing how and why I am doing things the way that I am.
Now, I know that there could be curveballs along the way. I am completely prepared for rebellion. I have tried my best to explain why we do things the way we do. We have fun in our home, but my kids know where the limits are. They are clear. They are defined. My children know that perfection is unattainable and that I am not perfect. There is a tremendous amount of grace in our home. When it comes to rules, it is about building character. I don't want my children to just be rule followers.
One of the questions the speaker posed in church Sunday was "What is your greatest passion for your children?" That is easy for me to answer. I think about it everyday. It isn't perfect grades, popularity, athletic success. Those are just things that will trick them into thinking that is who they are. I want them to love God and find their identity in Him...not school, sports, or clothes.
I do ask myself often if I am too rigid. I ask myself if I am expecting too much of them. I know that I tend to not mother in community because most people around me don't parent the same way that I do. When we are around other families I am having to remind my children that they don't have the same mother that other children do. I won't lower my standards in order to make other parents feel better. I know that I have lost friendships over parenting style. As I stated in the beginning, it is something that I take so seriously.
If it has not come across yet, let me state that I consistently apologize to my children. I am quick to admit mistakes. I will always explain why we do something. I remind them daily that they are loved unconditionally. They know that they are not responsible for my happiness. I want to foster independence and communication. If they disagree with me they are ABSOLUTELY permitted to talk it out in a respectful way. I will always listen to them before formulating a response. I want them to feel heard. If they don't feel heard now, they will not talk to me when they are teenagers. I know they will be things that they think I did wrong, but maybe, just maybe they will say I did more things right. They know they are a priority in my life. They know that my/our marriage comes first because they will grow up and leave. They know that I am staying home and that we may not have all of the stuff that other families have, but that it would require a sacrifice on their part if I was to work outside of the home. They may not choose to stay home with their children. I wonder if I will have issue with the way they parent. Will they want to even have children of their own? These are the questions that run through my head constantly. All I know if that I feel passionate about motherhood. While I did not choose it to begin with, I look at my firstborn and beam knowing she is the one who made me a mother. She is without a doubt my hardest child, but the middle one is quickly gaining ground. She is very similar to me which should prove for some interesting teenage years. And soon I will have a son. And he will challenge me in many other ways. My mellow, calm house will soon be turned upside down. In the midst of that I can already see God working on me. Breaking my judgemental heart when it comes to parenting. I am still not even that far down the parenting road. I can't wait to look back on this in eight years and see if I regret what I have written or if I will reiterate what I have written. Either way, I will know that I have thought through what I have written and will be able to say with confidence that I was doing exactly what I hoped a mother had done for me at this point in my life.
