After a brief (ok...not so brief) hiatus and much soul searching, I am back. I allowed Facebook to serve as my main mode of communication, but realized that most people on Facebook wouldn't really care about the updates about what is going on in my head. Then I realized that a lot of people just post links to their blogs and then if people want to read the updates, they can.
So, I am back. Part of the hiatus I can blame on Facebook and the bigger part I blame on me. I am about to admit that I have spent the last year contemplating and evaluating life. At times it has been a bit depressing, but for the most part it has been therapeutic. Actually as I write, it may be more fitting to say I have spent the last two years...no, four years...oh who am I kidding. I always am contemplating. But...I have come to some realizations. I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what my 46 year-old self would tell my 36 year-old self and in the process have relaxed quite a bit. I am finally acknowledging that I don't have to fit into a mold. In no way do I profess to have answers, but I'm trying each day to accept myself and others for who we all are.
I am a thinker. I am always thinking and analyzing. My suspicion is that most people find that to be too heavy. I don't enjoy light conversations because I don't know how to have them. I am constantly thinking about my choices, other peoples choices and the impact that choices have on other people. I'm constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think, because what I think is just my opinion and I need to live my life, not other people's lives.
I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I am not sure if that is because I have a loner nature or if it is because I am constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think.
I compare myself to other people quite often only to come back to accepting the choices that I am making. For a long time I put expectations on myself of what kind of mother I was going to be, only to step back and think about what I wanted my children to be like at eighteen. When I think about how I want them to remember our family and their childhood, it stops me from comparing myself.
So what would my 46 year old self say to me? I don't know, but I can only guess that she would first remind me that I have a 17 year-old (I will in 2020) and a 15 year-old and that the time went fast. Then she would tell me to relax and savor each and every second. That it was better to stay home and read a book than rush to one more activity. That it was better to stay home with my children while they were young and not take a vacation. That my children will remember the time spent together more than the places we visited. I think she would tell me that it is OK to be introspective and to think all the time as long as those thoughts are productive. I think she would tell me to keep my mouth shut and to remember that I don't know everything. I am sure life is going to throw me some curve balls and when they come I am likely to look back and realize that I don't always have the answer.
I have alienated a lot of people over the past year which saddens me. I take responsibility for the changes, but they were well thought out changes. I guess I just stepped back and thought about who I was and realized that I was tired of playing a part. There comes a time in life when it is time to be authentic and real, and I am hoping that I am at that point. I'm not perfect. I can be incredibly difficult. I don't fit into a mold. And finally after years of trying to make myself fit...of trying to be perky and funny, I'm OK with being me. I'm quick to apologize for my abrasive nature, but I am also willing to own my choices and teach my girls to do the same thing. I just think it is time to be excited about the way God wired me.
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