I realized tonight that I have allowed myself to look forward. I have maybe fooled myself into a false sense of security as I have done before, but it has been...peaceful. Possibly I should not have watched Dateline tonight, but I have a habit of looking back and wanting to see if I have grown or changed from life circumstances. What I am realizing is that in the few short years we lived in San Diego, I was dealing with trauma. Some may argue it was somewhat self-inflicted - my house didn't burn down and my daughter was not murdered. But...it sure felt like it. It felt like I lost my home and I certainly could imagine what it felt like to lose a daughter.
In at two hour Dateline tonight - that I chose to watch - I realized that even after moving 1200 miles away, the scars will always remain. Rehashing the events of Chelsea King's disappearance and murder reduces me tears all over again. The violation that I still feel, miles away, is as fresh as it was on February 25th. The anger is overwhelming and I am completely unable to move on. Maybe that is not true. I have tried to move on, but the fear is real.
The reminder that both Chelsea and Amber Dubois deaths were preventable outrages me. Are my children safe? Who can I trust? These are questions I have not thought about or asked for the last two months. But as I watch the story recreated tonight, I remember those emotions and those days. I can still hear the helicopters circling our neighborhood and remember the gray gloomy skies with a foreboding sense of doom. Oh how I wish that I could go back to before that day. Or maybe I would wish to go back before the fires. All I know is that the more we have...or maybe it is the more we cherish what we have, the more we have to lose. Which then reminds me that none of it is really mine. I suppose that is a whole 'nother blog post. I just know that my scars will go with me wherever I am. I can try to ignore them, but I think sometimes - at least for me - it is beneficial to remember them. I can't help but look at my little girls and think of Kelly King tucking Chelsea in when she was seven. What if I only have ten more years with my little girl? I want to cherish and savor that time. I don't want to spend it fearing the what if. And that is just maybe the point where my scar rips open - because I don't know how to escape that.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Coaching
I had the incredible privilege of getting to travel cross country with my husband...on different flights. As crazy as it sounds, it was PERFECT. I didn't have to sit next to him while he watched The Green Zone and he didn't get to interrupt me 27 times to watch a certain scene. He also did get to distract me while I was engrossed in my books. That is right...I said books. I read one on the way there and one on the way back. Cover to cover...that my friends is L-U-X-U-A-R-Y.
Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.
Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".
As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.
The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.
As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.
Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.
Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.
Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".
As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.
The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.
As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.
Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.
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