Untitled

I haven't titled this post because I don't know what to title it. In some ways it is an extension of my first post. Remember when I said I had intentionally distanced myself over the past year. I have been faced this past week with the realization of what that means. I don't regret my choices, but I also am fighting hard to not start wondering or worrying what people think about me "checking out". So often I wish that when I met someone, I could just give them the disclaimer of "I'm moody and have anti-social tendencies - befriend me at your own risk". I'm sort of that classic "It's not you, it's me" girl. I'm not depressed and I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating the facts. I know my issues. I know my "buttons". I am far from perfect and can easily explain why I am the way I am.

Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.

So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.

Uncertainty

I know it has been a couple of weeks since I wrote, but I have really been pondering what to write about. Not because of writer's block, but because so much has been going through my head. There is a lot of uncertainty in life right now and I often focus on that rather than the things that I am certain of. And I tell myself there isn't much that I am certain of, but in reality, I have much to be certain of. Yesterday I ran into someone in the parking lot and started talking to her. First, this is so not who I am. I am the anti-social one who usually races to my car. Small talk in the parking lot is definitely not my comfort zone. But I made a point to walk up to her and put my arm around her. Recently she found out that her middle son who is four years old is mentally retarded. I have an older brother who is mentally retarded. I despise the word "retarded" for that reason. My brother has always been a part of my life and I wanted to reach out to her from the perspective of a sibling dealing with a handicapped child. I can't begin to imagine what is must be like from the parent perspective. I watched my mom go through it, but she has never handled it well. After forty-four years, she is still very angry about my brother.

But my friend is different. First, she has a solid marriage and they both share a deep faith. Second, she is surrounded by a strong community that has been there for her consistently. I can imagine that she is feeling a tremendous amount of uncertainty and that she will continue to feel that way. But then I step back and think about our conversation and how we both agreed that life isn't perfect and pretty and that someday, not on this side of Heaven, things hopefully will make sense. Or maybe they won't, but does God really owe us an explanation? We can be certain of His love and we can be certain that He is not surprised by the circumstances of our lives.

So in the midst of uncertainty of how the details of life will unfold, I am reminding myself of all that I can be certain of and thanking God for unanswered prayers even when it breaks my heart.

Desire

My book this year...yeah, I've needed to just keep going back to it again and again...has been about desire. Not in the sexy, romantic sense, but in the deep longings in life sense. How many times do we really reflect on what it means to desire? And when the desire is unfulfilled, the waiting and groaning and longing. Regardless of the desire, the process is the same. The reason I have needed to go back and read and reflect is because the desire is not going away. I am learning what it means to wait and groan....and surrender. Oh how I hate that word. The surrender has been the hardest part and yet the most freeing. I thought today I would share some of what I have learned.

Longing leads to fullness somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, being content is not the same as being full. Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. It is deciding that you no longer want to be ruled by your desires.

Pascal says we can be satisfied, but we can't be sated. A glass of wine vs. a bottle of wine. Our souls are always going to demand their fill here and now. We are not meant to be filled here and now.

I need to be undone. I want my desires to be at rest. I don't want to be ruled by them. But with the heartache comes unfilled desires. Looking back we can all agree there were many things we thought we wanted that we are grateful we did not get, but in the moment, we mourn the loss. We feel the pain. We know the ache. We must allow time for sorrow. We must not run from sorrow, but embrace it.

Fatherhood

Typically a female pouring out her heart would write about motherhood, but today I am inspired to write about the other half. Every few months a conversation ensues at our house between myself and someone I will not name asking when he is going to have time to do what he wants on a weekend. Given where I've been at in my head lately - and he knows where I've been in my head as well - I remind him that right now the weekends tend to be about the kids activities. Thankfully he recovers quickly. All I know is I left this afternoon for a tea and felt a bit guilty about doing something alone when he was feeling edgy. All week long our oldest has been wanting to make a cardboard car for an event tomorrow night. What we both hoped would be an easier project became much more when our daughter drew out plans for what the car would look like. Two hours later I came home to a pink sedan with a sunroof, headlights and wheels. I'm almost at a loss for words.

Granted, I grew up in a different generation and dads today are much more engaged, but what he gave our daughter today was much more than a pink car. He gave her time and interest and excitement. Long before we were married, I shared all of my "daddy issues" and impressed upon him how vital his role would be in our children's lives. He will always be the first boy who fell in love with them. The joy I hear as I type takes my breath away. In the moments when I question whether or not he really enjoys being a dad - I know, but we've all done it ladies, right? - I will always remember a pink sedan. He already does so much for us and today, when he could have played Wii or folded laundry -another noble task-, he broke out bubblegum pink paint and made his girls smile. And he did it with a smile.

I never would have had the patience or creativity to do what he did today. I would have taken a shortcut or tried to talk our daughter out of her plans. I would have squashed her vision or maybe told her to go it alone. I would not have taken on the project with excitement and joy. Daddies are amazing creatures. In the beginning they feel so helpless because there isn't much they can do with a newborn. But as time passes and heartstrings attach, these men become the apple of their child's eye. I love that my husband fills a space that only he can fill. And I love that even though he would much rather being doing something for himself today, he gave of himself instead.

Confessions

This will be the last SATC2 related post, but it is worth commenting on. The other poignant part of SATC2 is Charlotte's mommy meltdown. For those not well versed in all things SATC, Charlotte struggled with infertility and wanted nothing more than to be a mother. She finally adopts only to find herself sobbing in the pantry feeling overwhelmed. And that my friends is reality...the full time, live-in Scottish nanny - not-so-much. But what great writing...or better yet, what authentic writing.

So, seeing Charlotte "losing" it, Miranda - like any good girlfriend - gets some cosmos and plays Mommy Confessions. Take a drink and confess one aspect of motherhood that blindsided you. Or one feeling that you have that you feel guilty for having. I think there was a time in life when this game would have served me well. My favorite line - again...great writing - is when Charlotte "confesses" and then acknowledges "AND I HAVE FULL TIME HELP. How do the other women do it?". The funny thing is that a few years back I actually had a group of women say that to me. They all had nannies...not full-time, but always available and they said, "I don't know how you do it." I fought the urge to go home and tell my hubby how amazing I was, until I realized that being a mom seems a little bit easier now than when our mothers and grandmothers did it. Salad-in-a-bag alone has changed my life.

The truth is that everyone struggles with every life transition, but for me motherhood was the hardest. First, I was surprised by my double lined test. I had only been married for five months at the time and hadn't really given a lot of thought to children. Second, the minute I saw the lines I sobbed because I knew that I was a selfish girl and that my world was about to change. And I have struggled with that consistently for seven years - almost. We lose ourselves in motherhood...and I think we should...to an extent. We need to remember what made us feel like "us". For some women, they still need their career. For some women, they need to be able to sit down and read a book. For some women they need to create - scrapbooks, cards, girly stuff. Whatever it is, you need to confess that motherhood blindsided you. It blindsides EVERYONE! Did any of us expect to love these little ones as much as we do? I know I didn't. I'm looking at an almost seven year-old and thinking, "You changed my life. You changed who I am and who I want to be. I never knew how much I needed you." She has taught me so much. My hubby and I affectionately refer to her as my "sandpaper". She is the one that rubs up against me and exposes my flaws. She is the one that is teaching me to think before I act, because I never want my actions to hurt her spirit. She is the one that is teaching me.

Does that mean that I don't need to go to Book Club tonight and have a glass of wine? Um, not on your life.

Marriage

Today I was able to steal away for a midday movie. Considering this season in life, a Tuesday morning movie is pure luxury. And...a shout out to the man in my life for giving me the thumbs up. Tuesday is his work from home day so an 11am movie was not entirely out of the question. A few other moms joined me - although it was really just sitting next to each since we didn't have time for a movie and discussion - which was great because I got to see that we all laughed in different places than other females in the audience.

So...Sex In The City 2. What else would I spend $9 on?

As I am sitting there watching and enjoying, I quickly realize how annoyed I am getting by Carrie. She has been married for two years and has turned into...I don't know. She is a nag and is just unhappy. I'm watching this "girl" - I know she is a fictional character, but I was one of those girls who lived vicariously through movies- and thinking "grow up".

The ultimate single girl has gotten married and is missing the "sparkle" - her words, not mine. Oh honey - marriage isn't about sparkle. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, you have an amazing guy who wants to stay home and eat take out with you and it isn't enough?". Don't get me wrong. I am not about to jump up on my soapbox. I have thought many, many times about my old apartment in Santa Monica and how much I would love to still have it for an escape. Conveinently for Carrie she has kept her apartment...FOR TWO YEARS! But marriage is work and is compromise and as I was watching the movie, I realized that I had jumped a hurdle. A year ago I would have walked out of SATC2 and felt like I had missed out on something. I would have wanted to have fabulous clothes and be going out for cosmos. Instead, I left the movie thinking how much I appreciate what marriage has come to mean. I have had the "sparkle" talk with my husband and time or two. I am sure I will have it again. My take away from the movie was that Big wanted to spend time with Carrie. He had been out there and he wanted to just "be". As ladies I think that is a hard adjustment. We get used to the attention and excitement. I love the attention and excitement. But even more, I love the comfort of knowing that I am with the person I want to be with everyday. But like I said...a year ago I wasn't there yet. Maybe I am starting to mature. Or, maybe I am starting to realize that marriage really does have seasons and that not every season is Spring. I don't wish Winter on anyone, but there is something glorious about Summer. The comfort of a warm laugh. Touching toes as you read in silence. Admitting you can't sleep when the other one isn't beside you. Knowing that a decision doesn't feel good until you have talked it through with someone who knows the way you think. To me, that is sparkle. That is not boring. I'm not saying I would refuse a black diamond ring. But I would much rather have the man who wants to come home to me and tell me about his day.

Maybe tomorrow I will write about Charlotte and Miranda's drinking game.