I haven't titled this post because I don't know what to title it. In some ways it is an extension of my first post. Remember when I said I had intentionally distanced myself over the past year. I have been faced this past week with the realization of what that means. I don't regret my choices, but I also am fighting hard to not start wondering or worrying what people think about me "checking out". So often I wish that when I met someone, I could just give them the disclaimer of "I'm moody and have anti-social tendencies - befriend me at your own risk". I'm sort of that classic "It's not you, it's me" girl. I'm not depressed and I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating the facts. I know my issues. I know my "buttons". I am far from perfect and can easily explain why I am the way I am.
Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.
So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.
2 comments:
Know that this friend digs you just the way you are!! I find you to be a gem of a friend (only a handful of special peeps go into that category of mine!) =) I too end friendships when they don't work for me, I have always been that way and it's always made me extremely happy. I have found that I have typically been right on target with my perceptions of people and friends and only more recently in life do I feel like I've run across more and more people that just aren't genuine. I need genuine or I don't make time for it at this stage in life. I don't need to play any popularity games and chose not to surround myself with people who do need that. I chose my friends very deliberately (but meet them very accidently) and deliberately let them drop when I don't value the connection. Vic, I think it's part of just being who you are and knowing what you want to make time for. Family is the #1 priority and sometimes the unecessary fluff just gets in the way. Personally, I choose to go back to family and stick with close friends that I trust know what they mean to me and I know what I mean to them. YOU know which friends you can count on and which friends "have your back" and are there for you and understand your need to retreat. I get it. Your post today reminded me of one of my best friends that I've had since I was 4. Like you, she claims she isn't that good at friendships either, yet she has ALWAYS, always naturally come through whenever any of us needed her most. There are 6 of us that have been BFs growing up and we still stand with this one friend in particular today no matter how many times she has needed to "hibernate" for a bit during our 35 years of friendship! We just get it. ;)) Also, with some friendships it just works and clicks. There are plenty of people out there that can do "small talk" but what makes YOU a special friend is you are the one we can turn to for those "deep meaningful and insightful talks". Thanks for that friend! =)
What ever it is that brought about this post - let it go. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I've never sensed an awkwardness with you. You be you. XO
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