Desire

My book this year...yeah, I've needed to just keep going back to it again and again...has been about desire. Not in the sexy, romantic sense, but in the deep longings in life sense. How many times do we really reflect on what it means to desire? And when the desire is unfulfilled, the waiting and groaning and longing. Regardless of the desire, the process is the same. The reason I have needed to go back and read and reflect is because the desire is not going away. I am learning what it means to wait and groan....and surrender. Oh how I hate that word. The surrender has been the hardest part and yet the most freeing. I thought today I would share some of what I have learned.

Longing leads to fullness somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, being content is not the same as being full. Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. It is deciding that you no longer want to be ruled by your desires.

Pascal says we can be satisfied, but we can't be sated. A glass of wine vs. a bottle of wine. Our souls are always going to demand their fill here and now. We are not meant to be filled here and now.

I need to be undone. I want my desires to be at rest. I don't want to be ruled by them. But with the heartache comes unfilled desires. Looking back we can all agree there were many things we thought we wanted that we are grateful we did not get, but in the moment, we mourn the loss. We feel the pain. We know the ache. We must allow time for sorrow. We must not run from sorrow, but embrace it.

Fatherhood

Typically a female pouring out her heart would write about motherhood, but today I am inspired to write about the other half. Every few months a conversation ensues at our house between myself and someone I will not name asking when he is going to have time to do what he wants on a weekend. Given where I've been at in my head lately - and he knows where I've been in my head as well - I remind him that right now the weekends tend to be about the kids activities. Thankfully he recovers quickly. All I know is I left this afternoon for a tea and felt a bit guilty about doing something alone when he was feeling edgy. All week long our oldest has been wanting to make a cardboard car for an event tomorrow night. What we both hoped would be an easier project became much more when our daughter drew out plans for what the car would look like. Two hours later I came home to a pink sedan with a sunroof, headlights and wheels. I'm almost at a loss for words.

Granted, I grew up in a different generation and dads today are much more engaged, but what he gave our daughter today was much more than a pink car. He gave her time and interest and excitement. Long before we were married, I shared all of my "daddy issues" and impressed upon him how vital his role would be in our children's lives. He will always be the first boy who fell in love with them. The joy I hear as I type takes my breath away. In the moments when I question whether or not he really enjoys being a dad - I know, but we've all done it ladies, right? - I will always remember a pink sedan. He already does so much for us and today, when he could have played Wii or folded laundry -another noble task-, he broke out bubblegum pink paint and made his girls smile. And he did it with a smile.

I never would have had the patience or creativity to do what he did today. I would have taken a shortcut or tried to talk our daughter out of her plans. I would have squashed her vision or maybe told her to go it alone. I would not have taken on the project with excitement and joy. Daddies are amazing creatures. In the beginning they feel so helpless because there isn't much they can do with a newborn. But as time passes and heartstrings attach, these men become the apple of their child's eye. I love that my husband fills a space that only he can fill. And I love that even though he would much rather being doing something for himself today, he gave of himself instead.

Confessions

This will be the last SATC2 related post, but it is worth commenting on. The other poignant part of SATC2 is Charlotte's mommy meltdown. For those not well versed in all things SATC, Charlotte struggled with infertility and wanted nothing more than to be a mother. She finally adopts only to find herself sobbing in the pantry feeling overwhelmed. And that my friends is reality...the full time, live-in Scottish nanny - not-so-much. But what great writing...or better yet, what authentic writing.

So, seeing Charlotte "losing" it, Miranda - like any good girlfriend - gets some cosmos and plays Mommy Confessions. Take a drink and confess one aspect of motherhood that blindsided you. Or one feeling that you have that you feel guilty for having. I think there was a time in life when this game would have served me well. My favorite line - again...great writing - is when Charlotte "confesses" and then acknowledges "AND I HAVE FULL TIME HELP. How do the other women do it?". The funny thing is that a few years back I actually had a group of women say that to me. They all had nannies...not full-time, but always available and they said, "I don't know how you do it." I fought the urge to go home and tell my hubby how amazing I was, until I realized that being a mom seems a little bit easier now than when our mothers and grandmothers did it. Salad-in-a-bag alone has changed my life.

The truth is that everyone struggles with every life transition, but for me motherhood was the hardest. First, I was surprised by my double lined test. I had only been married for five months at the time and hadn't really given a lot of thought to children. Second, the minute I saw the lines I sobbed because I knew that I was a selfish girl and that my world was about to change. And I have struggled with that consistently for seven years - almost. We lose ourselves in motherhood...and I think we should...to an extent. We need to remember what made us feel like "us". For some women, they still need their career. For some women, they need to be able to sit down and read a book. For some women they need to create - scrapbooks, cards, girly stuff. Whatever it is, you need to confess that motherhood blindsided you. It blindsides EVERYONE! Did any of us expect to love these little ones as much as we do? I know I didn't. I'm looking at an almost seven year-old and thinking, "You changed my life. You changed who I am and who I want to be. I never knew how much I needed you." She has taught me so much. My hubby and I affectionately refer to her as my "sandpaper". She is the one that rubs up against me and exposes my flaws. She is the one that is teaching me to think before I act, because I never want my actions to hurt her spirit. She is the one that is teaching me.

Does that mean that I don't need to go to Book Club tonight and have a glass of wine? Um, not on your life.

Marriage

Today I was able to steal away for a midday movie. Considering this season in life, a Tuesday morning movie is pure luxury. And...a shout out to the man in my life for giving me the thumbs up. Tuesday is his work from home day so an 11am movie was not entirely out of the question. A few other moms joined me - although it was really just sitting next to each since we didn't have time for a movie and discussion - which was great because I got to see that we all laughed in different places than other females in the audience.

So...Sex In The City 2. What else would I spend $9 on?

As I am sitting there watching and enjoying, I quickly realize how annoyed I am getting by Carrie. She has been married for two years and has turned into...I don't know. She is a nag and is just unhappy. I'm watching this "girl" - I know she is a fictional character, but I was one of those girls who lived vicariously through movies- and thinking "grow up".

The ultimate single girl has gotten married and is missing the "sparkle" - her words, not mine. Oh honey - marriage isn't about sparkle. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, you have an amazing guy who wants to stay home and eat take out with you and it isn't enough?". Don't get me wrong. I am not about to jump up on my soapbox. I have thought many, many times about my old apartment in Santa Monica and how much I would love to still have it for an escape. Conveinently for Carrie she has kept her apartment...FOR TWO YEARS! But marriage is work and is compromise and as I was watching the movie, I realized that I had jumped a hurdle. A year ago I would have walked out of SATC2 and felt like I had missed out on something. I would have wanted to have fabulous clothes and be going out for cosmos. Instead, I left the movie thinking how much I appreciate what marriage has come to mean. I have had the "sparkle" talk with my husband and time or two. I am sure I will have it again. My take away from the movie was that Big wanted to spend time with Carrie. He had been out there and he wanted to just "be". As ladies I think that is a hard adjustment. We get used to the attention and excitement. I love the attention and excitement. But even more, I love the comfort of knowing that I am with the person I want to be with everyday. But like I said...a year ago I wasn't there yet. Maybe I am starting to mature. Or, maybe I am starting to realize that marriage really does have seasons and that not every season is Spring. I don't wish Winter on anyone, but there is something glorious about Summer. The comfort of a warm laugh. Touching toes as you read in silence. Admitting you can't sleep when the other one isn't beside you. Knowing that a decision doesn't feel good until you have talked it through with someone who knows the way you think. To me, that is sparkle. That is not boring. I'm not saying I would refuse a black diamond ring. But I would much rather have the man who wants to come home to me and tell me about his day.

Maybe tomorrow I will write about Charlotte and Miranda's drinking game.

Joy

I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. Where does my joy come from and more importantly why and what do I allow to steal my joy? I think I steal my own joy most of the time. I let details and comparisons get the best of me. Actually, I let that little tiny whisper in the back of my head become my focus rather than stepping back and looking around.

My joy most certainly comes from my faith, but most days no one would know it. I look frowny and grumpy. So I have decided to think about the belly laughs of my girls and the feel of a hand in mine when I start down my road of uncertainty. I am going to think about afternoon dates with my best friend and shared bowls of ice cream with the person who knows me best. I going to think about the sound of childish conversations lamenting over who is going to be the mommy this time. And I will cherish the tenderness in which my girls "mother' each other.

I have so much to be joyful about and I am done with giving it away to a silly impostor. My girls don't see me the way I see myself. My husband doesn't see me the way I see myself. So it is time to start seeing myself the way they see me and reflecting the joy that I have in being. Not "just" a mom or a wife, but in being and being joyful for every moment.

I'm Back

After a brief (ok...not so brief) hiatus and much soul searching, I am back. I allowed Facebook to serve as my main mode of communication, but realized that most people on Facebook wouldn't really care about the updates about what is going on in my head. Then I realized that a lot of people just post links to their blogs and then if people want to read the updates, they can.

So, I am back. Part of the hiatus I can blame on Facebook and the bigger part I blame on me. I am about to admit that I have spent the last year contemplating and evaluating life. At times it has been a bit depressing, but for the most part it has been therapeutic. Actually as I write, it may be more fitting to say I have spent the last two years...no, four years...oh who am I kidding. I always am contemplating. But...I have come to some realizations. I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what my 46 year-old self would tell my 36 year-old self and in the process have relaxed quite a bit. I am finally acknowledging that I don't have to fit into a mold. In no way do I profess to have answers, but I'm trying each day to accept myself and others for who we all are.

I am a thinker. I am always thinking and analyzing. My suspicion is that most people find that to be too heavy. I don't enjoy light conversations because I don't know how to have them. I am constantly thinking about my choices, other peoples choices and the impact that choices have on other people. I'm constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think, because what I think is just my opinion and I need to live my life, not other people's lives.

I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I am not sure if that is because I have a loner nature or if it is because I am constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think.

I compare myself to other people quite often only to come back to accepting the choices that I am making. For a long time I put expectations on myself of what kind of mother I was going to be, only to step back and think about what I wanted my children to be like at eighteen. When I think about how I want them to remember our family and their childhood, it stops me from comparing myself.

So what would my 46 year old self say to me? I don't know, but I can only guess that she would first remind me that I have a 17 year-old (I will in 2020) and a 15 year-old and that the time went fast. Then she would tell me to relax and savor each and every second. That it was better to stay home and read a book than rush to one more activity. That it was better to stay home with my children while they were young and not take a vacation. That my children will remember the time spent together more than the places we visited. I think she would tell me that it is OK to be introspective and to think all the time as long as those thoughts are productive. I think she would tell me to keep my mouth shut and to remember that I don't know everything. I am sure life is going to throw me some curve balls and when they come I am likely to look back and realize that I don't always have the answer.

I have alienated a lot of people over the past year which saddens me. I take responsibility for the changes, but they were well thought out changes. I guess I just stepped back and thought about who I was and realized that I was tired of playing a part. There comes a time in life when it is time to be authentic and real, and I am hoping that I am at that point. I'm not perfect. I can be incredibly difficult. I don't fit into a mold. And finally after years of trying to make myself fit...of trying to be perky and funny, I'm OK with being me. I'm quick to apologize for my abrasive nature, but I am also willing to own my choices and teach my girls to do the same thing. I just think it is time to be excited about the way God wired me.

Behavioral Updates

Grace: So Mom...I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday. Well...I was a little out of control and didn't really hear the bell. So...I noticed that my whole class left without me and I had to go to the principal's office so that someone could take me to class.

Grace: Um Mom...I kind of got in trouble today.
Mom: Really??? What happened?
Grace: Well. I was touching Ms. Sousa's stuff and had to go to timeout. She said if I did it again she would send me to the principal's office.
Mom: You know...the whole time I went to school I never went to the principal's office. I was so afraid of getting in trouble. I didn't even want my name on the board.
Grace: Well good for you Mom. My school is much lazier. (?????)

(In the middle of a meltdown after being asked to go put on a tank top and take off the long sleeve shirt in 100 degree weather)

Mom: Emma, I asked you to go put your tank top on. Where is it?
Emma: I don't know. It ran away.

(Shopping for birthday supplies in October means that Emma sees more Halloween monsters than she needs to)

Mom: Just cover your eyes and say "I don't like you."
Emma: Just take me home so I can hide from the monsters.