Coaching

I had the incredible privilege of getting to travel cross country with my husband...on different flights. As crazy as it sounds, it was PERFECT. I didn't have to sit next to him while he watched The Green Zone and he didn't get to interrupt me 27 times to watch a certain scene. He also did get to distract me while I was engrossed in my books. That is right...I said books. I read one on the way there and one on the way back. Cover to cover...that my friends is L-U-X-U-A-R-Y.

Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.

Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".

As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.

The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.

As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.

Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.

Contentment

In spite of having about six different drafts of posts, this is the first one in a month that is going to actually make it...at least I hope so. I keep thinking about what the last year has held and as much as it hurt and confused me to not quite get or see what God's bigger plan was, now that I am here...seemingly in the place God wants me/us...I think I might go through it all over again.

Tonight was our Back To School night and as I sat in my daughter's chair and listened to what the first two weeks of school held and what the next thirty six would hold, I was amazed. I was amazed to see how different each state runs its educational programs. But then I was reminded that it is more about what is valued and the state of Washington clearly values education. I have been in awe of where the bar is set for second graders but also excited to see my little girl soar above that bar.

As Mike and I were talking about Back To School night and sharing our impressions, he told me that he had heard a report that Washington had the highest SAT scores in the nation. I suppose that is impressive - it is - but an education is more than how you do on a standardized test. What I am seeing in the classroom are lifelong skills. Expository writing. Persuasive writing. Giving your story a voice. Whaaaaaaaat? In second grade? Putting together a PowerPoint deck. Inserting graphics into your slide show. Um...do I even know how to do that? I am so excited for the possibilities that lie ahead. I don't know that the teachers here are better than California, but I do know that they are valued and equipped better.

As I listened to my girls Skyping with their grandparents last week, Mike and I had a moment. My mom was asking if they wanted to come and visit and if the girls missed her. Grace quickly responded, "Maybe next summer Nana. We really like it in Seattle. It is really, really fun." Our family is SO content here. I know contentment can become a bad thing, but for right now, it is the peace that passes understanding. It is the complete assurance that we are exactly where we are suppose to be. And if I had to go through the last all over again to get to where we are right now...I think I would do it.

Looking Forward

Even though I will be leaving San Diego in less than 10 hours, I feel like I need to at least chronicle everything going through my head and heart at this time. I can pinpoint a handful of people that I will dearly miss, but for the most part I am excited and relieved that this chapter of life is coming to a close. I can't put my finger on it, but it was a hard few years. After opening up a bottle of wine and discussing with my other half, we rehashed what worked and what didn't about living in San Diego. It amuses me that as often as people comment on the inclement weather in Seattle, they comment on the "blissful" weather in San Diego. For the record...I am not a fan of San Diego weather. I am excited about seasons and green and weather. I promise to check in six months from now and let you know if my thoughts have changed, but I just feel like I have been looking forward to leaving for awhile now. Like I said, I am going to miss a few special girls. I feel like my time with them was short, but I also feel like they are life long friendships that will never fade.

So as I/we look forward to this next chapter, I don't want to lose sight of all that I have learned from being here...and I have learned a lot. In no way was coming here a mistake. Who I have become because of being in San Diego is...a different person than who I was before. It sounds so corny and yet, I have learned a lot of very hard lessons while here. God has pruned me, shaped me, pounded me from a lot of sides. I look back and smile knowing that even a year ago, I did not possess a fourth of the patience I have now...and I don't know how patient I am even now. But I do know that I have let go of a tremendous amount of control because I realized that I truly don't have any. And as crazy as it sounds, there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that. There is comfort also in knowing that we prayed long and hard and that at times we (I noticed that I went from I to we) doubted that we were even being heard. The uncertainty and angst of feeling out of place here became unbearable at times, but looking back (got to love hindsight) we now know that our prayers were heard. We are actually thanking God for the jobs that Mike did not get and overwhelmed by the job that he did get. We are amazed at the people who have come into our lives over the past month and can see clearly that He has placed every single one of them in our lives. Our faith was so small and His provision was so big. I am looking forward to where we are going, but I promise to never forget where we have come from. I am different. My husband is different. Our faith is different. Our perspectives are different. And I am looking forward to what Seattle/Bellevue has to teach me.

Baggage

In the midst of packing literally baggage, it is amazing what types of emotional baggage come to the surface. One can't help but sift through a lifetime of memories while putting things into boxes. That I can deal with for the most part. My issues seem to surface when I try as hard as I can to not let the chaos of moving impact my little ones. I'm trying to keep life as normal as possible for them while life is anything but normal. Fortunately they have both been in camp for these last two weeks, which has helped both them and us. They have been having fun and learning, but also coming home to a drastically different home everyday. Yesterday, they arrived to see thier rooms stripped bare and today they will arrive home to see thier rooms empty. But I digress.

This morning we had an instance of miscommunication...I mean lack of communication from dad...that meant the girls were not dressed properly or on time for camp. Fortunately I sent them with a change of clothes just in case, but it was panic. At least that is what I was told my husband. And then the baggage surfaced. Memories of feeling like my mom was the only one who missed the memo. Wanting so badly to not stand out because I didn't get it right. Ugh...the memories. I know I am being hard on myself, but I just never want my girls to have to feel those feelings of wishing they had a different mom. Clearly I am blowing this out of proportion. In fact I know I am.

Fast forward a few hours as I go to pick up the girls up from camp and profusely apologize for the mishap, Grace looked at me like she wasn't totally sure what I was talking about. And, that is when I realize that it was my baggage that I had been schleping around all morning.

Change is Coming

Gosh, it has been awhile since I wrote. Life got a little crazy there around the beginning of the month. After a long, long, long process...Mike accepted a job in Seattle (well Bellevue to be exact) and we are in the process of moving on. He starts on August 2nd, so there really isn't much time to get our heads around this. It has been interesting to hear the responses from people when we tell them we are moving to Seattle. Usually the first response is, "Is this a good move?". I'm never quite sure how to respond to that simply because we wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a good move. I guess I can understand that some people really have no choice and they need to go where the job(s) are. This was a well thought out decision for us. I love my home, my friends and my community, but I'm just about done with our state and our education. It will be difficult to leave San Diego in the spring, but I won't miss all the brown. I can't wait to post pictures on Facebook of all the trees and grass!!! (And I know...there is a very good reason why everything is so green.)

But in all of that/this/whatever it has been fascinating to see all of our (the 4 of us) personalities come out. And now that I think about it, I think I am the only one of us that really LIKES change. Mike is doing well and is excited for his new job. Truth be told, he wasn't with us last week while we were house hunting so he has NO idea where we are going. He has seen pictures, but won't see it until he picks up the keys next Sunday. Grace is indifferent. She says she is excited, but then she starts to wonder about starting a new school and meeting new friends. She is open to change, but unsure about how it will all play out. Emma...I'm pretty sure she is not on board with this. We've been in the throws of going away activities and she keeps insisting that we are going to visit Seattle, but we are going to live in San Diego. I can tell it is going to take some time and snuggles to get her through. We did visit her new school last week which was good, but we are walking a fine line there as well. In California she makes the cutoff for kindergarten and in Washington she doesn't. We found a great Pre-K program for her that is academic. Being a second born girl means she is TOTALLY ready, but I have to admit I am relieved to not have to wonder if I should have held her back. BUT...she is adamant that she is not going to preschool anymore. So we are dealing with a semantics game that hopefully works out for the next ten months.

Change. Over the last ten months this is something that Mike and I have talked about at length. We joke about it, but we are both very aware of our personalities and predispositions to change. We balance each other out extremely well, and it helps us tremendously to have insight into our children. I don't want them to become paralyzed by the fear of change, but I also want them to be able to feel reassured knowing that they can count on many things always being the same. So maybe I should emphasize "Same is Coming" instead of "Change". I guess I just don't want "Change" to become a bad word.

Untitled

I haven't titled this post because I don't know what to title it. In some ways it is an extension of my first post. Remember when I said I had intentionally distanced myself over the past year. I have been faced this past week with the realization of what that means. I don't regret my choices, but I also am fighting hard to not start wondering or worrying what people think about me "checking out". So often I wish that when I met someone, I could just give them the disclaimer of "I'm moody and have anti-social tendencies - befriend me at your own risk". I'm sort of that classic "It's not you, it's me" girl. I'm not depressed and I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating the facts. I know my issues. I know my "buttons". I am far from perfect and can easily explain why I am the way I am.

Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.

So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.

Uncertainty

I know it has been a couple of weeks since I wrote, but I have really been pondering what to write about. Not because of writer's block, but because so much has been going through my head. There is a lot of uncertainty in life right now and I often focus on that rather than the things that I am certain of. And I tell myself there isn't much that I am certain of, but in reality, I have much to be certain of. Yesterday I ran into someone in the parking lot and started talking to her. First, this is so not who I am. I am the anti-social one who usually races to my car. Small talk in the parking lot is definitely not my comfort zone. But I made a point to walk up to her and put my arm around her. Recently she found out that her middle son who is four years old is mentally retarded. I have an older brother who is mentally retarded. I despise the word "retarded" for that reason. My brother has always been a part of my life and I wanted to reach out to her from the perspective of a sibling dealing with a handicapped child. I can't begin to imagine what is must be like from the parent perspective. I watched my mom go through it, but she has never handled it well. After forty-four years, she is still very angry about my brother.

But my friend is different. First, she has a solid marriage and they both share a deep faith. Second, she is surrounded by a strong community that has been there for her consistently. I can imagine that she is feeling a tremendous amount of uncertainty and that she will continue to feel that way. But then I step back and think about our conversation and how we both agreed that life isn't perfect and pretty and that someday, not on this side of Heaven, things hopefully will make sense. Or maybe they won't, but does God really owe us an explanation? We can be certain of His love and we can be certain that He is not surprised by the circumstances of our lives.

So in the midst of uncertainty of how the details of life will unfold, I am reminding myself of all that I can be certain of and thanking God for unanswered prayers even when it breaks my heart.