Hold Fast

What Does It Feel Like To Be A Mom?

2011-05-09T20:41:00.000-07:00

I love my husband for a million reasons, but particularly because this is the question he asked me on a date a couple of weeks ago. I answered him, but after sitting in church on Mother's Day and listening to another mother talk about her jouney in and through Motherhood, I decided I needed to write out my story.

Let me begin by saying that when I saw the two lines on the pregnancy test, I was not excited. I cried. I had been married for five months and never had thought seriously about children. In theory I figured maybe someday we would begin to discuss children. While dating we talked about parenting. The truth was that I was realistic about what it meant to be a parent and I knew that my life would never be the same again. I was selfish and while I did not have great parenting examples, I just knew that there was going to be a lot of sacrifice. As I write this now, I think I knew that I was going to sacrifice the attention of my husband which I desperately did not want to share. He was thrilled, but he was naive and I knew that. We talked a lot about what life would be like. A thing that I still love about "us". We talk...a lot. And we talk transparently. So I shared with him that I never wanted him to love our children more than he loved me. I knew it came from a place of wanting to be a priority in his life because I never had felt like I was a priority in anyone else's life.

While I am on the brink of having three children, I want to focus on that first one. The one who made me a mom. The one who is shaping and molding me still...every...single...day. I remember sitting on the side of our bed on June 18, 2003 and looking at the bassinet that was set up. Because my little one was laying straight across (transverse) I was scheduled to have a C-Section. I was actually quite all right with this as it meant I would avoid labor and that we were able to pack our bags and plan our "vacation" to the hospital. As I sat on the side of the bed, in my thoughts, I told myself life would never be the same again. When I walked back into this room, I would be responsible for another human being. I would not be allowed to be selfish. And as I write that it seems strange, because in no way did I feel bonded to this baby. (Yes, I admitted that.) I have since learned that mothers bond with their children at different stages and I did not bond with mine until....I'm not sure when. My guess is she was about three weeks old. But it was not while I was pregnant. Even when they set her on me in the operating room...there was not an emotional connection. I was overwhelmed. Not depressed, but moreso like a deer in headlights. I had not read any books. I did not have the right gear. I had no clue what nursing pads were. Looking back I smile, but I also want to take that young mother in my arms and hug her and tell her how proud I am of her.

It did take a few weeks, but in those few weeks I transformed. And this is where I answer the question of what it feels like. Motherhood feels like you get turned inside out. I have never felt so helpless in my whole life. The first time she got sick, I promised her that once she could talk and tell me what was wrong that I would never tell her to be quiet. She is almost eight and as she gets off the bus crying telling about hurt feelings, I wish there was a perscription that I could fill to make the hurt go away. I thought the helplessness of infancy would fade, but it doesn't. Being a mother makes you more raw than you ever thought possible. I have never felt more passionate about anything in my life. I have never taken anything more seriously than I take mothering.

Over the past 48 hours, I have really tried to digest my thoughts knowing that putting my inmost thoughts on parenting into print could change people's perception of me. From those first few weeks of being a new mom until now, there is not a moment that goes by that I am not thinking about the big picture. My own mother accusses me of being too rigid. I know that others think I am inflexible. From the beginning, I have always started as I meant to go. When others think I am sweating the small stuff, I can tell you exactly why I am making a big deal about something. In general, my mind never really stops, but when it comes to parenting, I am always processing and analyzing how and why I am doing things the way that I am.

Now, I know that there could be curveballs along the way. I am completely prepared for rebellion. I have tried my best to explain why we do things the way we do. We have fun in our home, but my kids know where the limits are. They are clear. They are defined. My children know that perfection is unattainable and that I am not perfect. There is a tremendous amount of grace in our home. When it comes to rules, it is about building character. I don't want my children to just be rule followers.

One of the questions the speaker posed in church Sunday was "What is your greatest passion for your children?" That is easy for me to answer. I think about it everyday. It isn't perfect grades, popularity, athletic success. Those are just things that will trick them into thinking that is who they are. I want them to love God and find their identity in Him...not school, sports, or clothes.

I do ask myself often if I am too rigid. I ask myself if I am expecting too much of them. I know that I tend to not mother in community because most people around me don't parent the same way that I do. When we are around other families I am having to remind my children that they don't have the same mother that other children do. I won't lower my standards in order to make other parents feel better. I know that I have lost friendships over parenting style. As I stated in the beginning, it is something that I take so seriously.

If it has not come across yet, let me state that I consistently apologize to my children. I am quick to admit mistakes. I will always explain why we do something. I remind them daily that they are loved unconditionally. They know that they are not responsible for my happiness. I want to foster independence and communication. If they disagree with me they are ABSOLUTELY permitted to talk it out in a respectful way. I will always listen to them before formulating a response. I want them to feel heard. If they don't feel heard now, they will not talk to me when they are teenagers. I know they will be things that they think I did wrong, but maybe, just maybe they will say I did more things right. They know they are a priority in my life. They know that my/our marriage comes first because they will grow up and leave. They know that I am staying home and that we may not have all of the stuff that other families have, but that it would require a sacrifice on their part if I was to work outside of the home. They may not choose to stay home with their children. I wonder if I will have issue with the way they parent. Will they want to even have children of their own? These are the questions that run through my head constantly. All I know if that I feel passionate about motherhood. While I did not choose it to begin with, I look at my firstborn and beam knowing she is the one who made me a mother. She is without a doubt my hardest child, but the middle one is quickly gaining ground. She is very similar to me which should prove for some interesting teenage years. And soon I will have a son. And he will challenge me in many other ways. My mellow, calm house will soon be turned upside down. In the midst of that I can already see God working on me. Breaking my judgemental heart when it comes to parenting. I am still not even that far down the parenting road. I can't wait to look back on this in eight years and see if I regret what I have written or if I will reiterate what I have written. Either way, I will know that I have thought through what I have written and will be able to say with confidence that I was doing exactly what I hoped a mother had done for me at this point in my life.

Playing Catch Up

2010-12-06T19:01:00.000-08:00

My goodness where did two months go? For that matter where did four months go? It is hard to believe that is how long we have been Washington residents. But here we are...in the midst of the Christmas season and getting ready to make a whole batch of new memories.

We already got to experience our first snow storm and it was glorious! I'm sure it was made better by the fact that the snow only lasted five days, but those five days were awesome. Snow clothes and sledding and hot chocolate. People keep asking if I am missing San Diego and in all honesty, I am not. That isn't to say I am not "homesick" for a thing or two, but when I step back and look at life, I choose here. Right now. Today. This is life. School buses and playing with the neighbors. Random drop in by friends to pick up crock pots. Phone calls from the school to say thank you. Life is definitely slower here and different. There is almost an innocence that catches me off guard at times. Things aren't overdone. Expectations aren't sky high. No one seems to need to impress anyone else. Oh, I am sure there are those circles, but they are not the majority. I love that we made this change...that God saw fit to bring our family here. I will always love CA, because it is where most of my memories are. But as the new memories start to form, I sometimes have a sense of deja vu...like this is home and where I was suppose to be all along.

Scars

2010-09-24T22:42:00.000-07:00

I realized tonight that I have allowed myself to look forward. I have maybe fooled myself into a false sense of security as I have done before, but it has been...peaceful. Possibly I should not have watched Dateline tonight, but I have a habit of looking back and wanting to see if I have grown or changed from life circumstances. What I am realizing is that in the few short years we lived in San Diego, I was dealing with trauma. Some may argue it was somewhat self-inflicted - my house didn't burn down and my daughter was not murdered. But...it sure felt like it. It felt like I lost my home and I certainly could imagine what it felt like to lose a daughter.

In at two hour Dateline tonight - that I chose to watch - I realized that even after moving 1200 miles away, the scars will always remain. Rehashing the events of Chelsea King's disappearance and murder reduces me tears all over again. The violation that I still feel, miles away, is as fresh as it was on February 25th. The anger is overwhelming and I am completely unable to move on. Maybe that is not true. I have tried to move on, but the fear is real.

The reminder that both Chelsea and Amber Dubois deaths were preventable outrages me. Are my children safe? Who can I trust? These are questions I have not thought about or asked for the last two months. But as I watch the story recreated tonight, I remember those emotions and those days. I can still hear the helicopters circling our neighborhood and remember the gray gloomy skies with a foreboding sense of doom. Oh how I wish that I could go back to before that day. Or maybe I would wish to go back before the fires. All I know is that the more we have...or maybe it is the more we cherish what we have, the more we have to lose. Which then reminds me that none of it is really mine. I suppose that is a whole 'nother blog post. I just know that my scars will go with me wherever I am. I can try to ignore them, but I think sometimes - at least for me - it is beneficial to remember them. I can't help but look at my little girls and think of Kelly King tucking Chelsea in when she was seven. What if I only have ten more years with my little girl? I want to cherish and savor that time. I don't want to spend it fearing the what if. And that is just maybe the point where my scar rips open - because I don't know how to escape that.

Coaching

2010-09-20T20:25:00.000-07:00

I had the incredible privilege of getting to travel cross country with my husband...on different flights. As crazy as it sounds, it was PERFECT. I didn't have to sit next to him while he watched The Green Zone and he didn't get to interrupt me 27 times to watch a certain scene. He also did get to distract me while I was engrossed in my books. That is right...I said books. I read one on the way there and one on the way back. Cover to cover...that my friends is L-U-X-U-A-R-Y.

Both books were fantastic, but the one I read yesterday...and my friends on Facebook will have already seen a post on this...was incredible. Remember Why You Play by David Thomas was one of the most spectacular books I have read in a long time. I read a lot...mostly fiction. Most of the books make me think...I'm not one for a tidy ending. I like to wrestle with the content a bit. Every now and then I will pick up a non-fiction book. I have certain topics that I am "obsessed" with and Texas high school football may be one of them.

Most Sundays, we head to the Christian bookstore to hang out, check out stuff and let the girls play for a bit. A couple of weeks ago I came across this book and after reading the back cover thought about buying it. Knowing that I was heading off on my trip I purchased it on my Kindle (sorry Family Christian Bookstore) and literally read it "cover to cover".

As in any book about coaching or athletics, there are many inspirational quotes and motivational moments. My greatest take away wasn't about athletics at all. The take away was in how a man who coaches football in Texas -yes, that needs to be qualified - could be teaching his players that life is not just about football. In fact, he is/was far more concerned about the character of his players and the way in which they conducted themselves on and off the field than he was about how they played the game. And he was successful...incredibly successful. At one point in the book, one of his star players takes a very late hit by the opposing team. In the heat of the moment, the player got up and shouted at the other player - who was clearly in the wrong. Before the penalty flag could be dropped, Coach Hogan shouted to his star player to go to the locker room. Not only was he out of the game, but he was to leave the field. His philosophy is that whether you are in the right or the wrong, you have a decision to make in how you are going to react and if you are going to play for him, you are going to have class. That means getting up after a late hit and saying, "Wow, that really hurt" or "God Bless You for that". But having that reaction means deciding long in advance how you are going to deal with the situations that are going to require you to react counter to what your gut would tell you.

The other take away - which is alluded to above - it to remember why you are doing what you are doing. Yes, Coach Hogan wants to win football games, but more than that he wants his players to develop into fathers, employees and men who have character. His eye is on the greater purpose.

As I came home from my trip, I knew I was walking into a situation that would certainly test capability to react with class - my mom was here to take care of the girls. While I love the woman who gave birth to me, she can sure push my buttons. In addition, I was coming home just in time to say goodbye to my husband as he was leaving on a long stretch of travel for work. When he isn't home, I can get a little cranky as a mom. So I have been challenged to remember that the goal is not about getting my children to do everything I ask them to do - the goal is to teach them about humility and grace and compassion. Those things do not come naturally for me. I want to remember in the mundane and tedious tasks of day to day living that it isn't about short term goals, but about long term goals. Yes, in parenting there are those small goals that we have in mind in regards to grades or chores...but the purpose is to teach our children how to be adults that are humble and graceful and compassionate. When they succeed, I want them to be proud, but also realize that God has given them each unique gifts. When they fail or fall short, I want to model to them that I still love them and that while I may be disappointed, I am still their biggest fan. When they see others hurting, I want them to remember how they have been treated while hurting. I don't want them to simply feel sorry for someone. I want them to come alongside the person who is hurting and hold that person up - physically or emotionally.

Walking into work today - OK...downstairs to start breakfast - I had a renewed sense of purpose. As parents we are called to one of the most incredible jobs ever in raising our children. In many ways we are coaching them on how to be successful adults. I want to take that call seriously and remember why I play...remember why I am doing what I do every.single.day.

Contentment

2010-08-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

In spite of having about six different drafts of posts, this is the first one in a month that is going to actually make it...at least I hope so. I keep thinking about what the last year has held and as much as it hurt and confused me to not quite get or see what God's bigger plan was, now that I am here...seemingly in the place God wants me/us...I think I might go through it all over again.

Tonight was our Back To School night and as I sat in my daughter's chair and listened to what the first two weeks of school held and what the next thirty six would hold, I was amazed. I was amazed to see how different each state runs its educational programs. But then I was reminded that it is more about what is valued and the state of Washington clearly values education. I have been in awe of where the bar is set for second graders but also excited to see my little girl soar above that bar.

As Mike and I were talking about Back To School night and sharing our impressions, he told me that he had heard a report that Washington had the highest SAT scores in the nation. I suppose that is impressive - it is - but an education is more than how you do on a standardized test. What I am seeing in the classroom are lifelong skills. Expository writing. Persuasive writing. Giving your story a voice. Whaaaaaaaat? In second grade? Putting together a PowerPoint deck. Inserting graphics into your slide show. Um...do I even know how to do that? I am so excited for the possibilities that lie ahead. I don't know that the teachers here are better than California, but I do know that they are valued and equipped better.

As I listened to my girls Skyping with their grandparents last week, Mike and I had a moment. My mom was asking if they wanted to come and visit and if the girls missed her. Grace quickly responded, "Maybe next summer Nana. We really like it in Seattle. It is really, really fun." Our family is SO content here. I know contentment can become a bad thing, but for right now, it is the peace that passes understanding. It is the complete assurance that we are exactly where we are suppose to be. And if I had to go through the last all over again to get to where we are right now...I think I would do it.

Looking Forward

2010-08-05T22:57:00.000-07:00

Even though I will be leaving San Diego in less than 10 hours, I feel like I need to at least chronicle everything going through my head and heart at this time. I can pinpoint a handful of people that I will dearly miss, but for the most part I am excited and relieved that this chapter of life is coming to a close. I can't put my finger on it, but it was a hard few years. After opening up a bottle of wine and discussing with my other half, we rehashed what worked and what didn't about living in San Diego. It amuses me that as often as people comment on the inclement weather in Seattle, they comment on the "blissful" weather in San Diego. For the record...I am not a fan of San Diego weather. I am excited about seasons and green and weather. I promise to check in six months from now and let you know if my thoughts have changed, but I just feel like I have been looking forward to leaving for awhile now. Like I said, I am going to miss a few special girls. I feel like my time with them was short, but I also feel like they are life long friendships that will never fade.

So as I/we look forward to this next chapter, I don't want to lose sight of all that I have learned from being here...and I have learned a lot. In no way was coming here a mistake. Who I have become because of being in San Diego is...a different person than who I was before. It sounds so corny and yet, I have learned a lot of very hard lessons while here. God has pruned me, shaped me, pounded me from a lot of sides. I look back and smile knowing that even a year ago, I did not possess a fourth of the patience I have now...and I don't know how patient I am even now. But I do know that I have let go of a tremendous amount of control because I realized that I truly don't have any. And as crazy as it sounds, there is a tremendous amount of comfort in that. There is comfort also in knowing that we prayed long and hard and that at times we (I noticed that I went from I to we) doubted that we were even being heard. The uncertainty and angst of feeling out of place here became unbearable at times, but looking back (got to love hindsight) we now know that our prayers were heard. We are actually thanking God for the jobs that Mike did not get and overwhelmed by the job that he did get. We are amazed at the people who have come into our lives over the past month and can see clearly that He has placed every single one of them in our lives. Our faith was so small and His provision was so big. I am looking forward to where we are going, but I promise to never forget where we have come from. I am different. My husband is different. Our faith is different. Our perspectives are different. And I am looking forward to what Seattle/Bellevue has to teach me.

Baggage

2010-07-30T10:37:00.000-07:00

In the midst of packing literally baggage, it is amazing what types of emotional baggage come to the surface. One can't help but sift through a lifetime of memories while putting things into boxes. That I can deal with for the most part. My issues seem to surface when I try as hard as I can to not let the chaos of moving impact my little ones. I'm trying to keep life as normal as possible for them while life is anything but normal. Fortunately they have both been in camp for these last two weeks, which has helped both them and us. They have been having fun and learning, but also coming home to a drastically different home everyday. Yesterday, they arrived to see thier rooms stripped bare and today they will arrive home to see thier rooms empty. But I digress.

This morning we had an instance of miscommunication...I mean lack of communication from dad...that meant the girls were not dressed properly or on time for camp. Fortunately I sent them with a change of clothes just in case, but it was panic. At least that is what I was told my husband. And then the baggage surfaced. Memories of feeling like my mom was the only one who missed the memo. Wanting so badly to not stand out because I didn't get it right. Ugh...the memories. I know I am being hard on myself, but I just never want my girls to have to feel those feelings of wishing they had a different mom. Clearly I am blowing this out of proportion. In fact I know I am.

Fast forward a few hours as I go to pick up the girls up from camp and profusely apologize for the mishap, Grace looked at me like she wasn't totally sure what I was talking about. And, that is when I realize that it was my baggage that I had been schleping around all morning.

Change is Coming

2010-07-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

Gosh, it has been awhile since I wrote. Life got a little crazy there around the beginning of the month. After a long, long, long process...Mike accepted a job in Seattle (well Bellevue to be exact) and we are in the process of moving on. He starts on August 2nd, so there really isn't much time to get our heads around this. It has been interesting to hear the responses from people when we tell them we are moving to Seattle. Usually the first response is, "Is this a good move?". I'm never quite sure how to respond to that simply because we wouldn't be doing it if it wasn't a good move. I guess I can understand that some people really have no choice and they need to go where the job(s) are. This was a well thought out decision for us. I love my home, my friends and my community, but I'm just about done with our state and our education. It will be difficult to leave San Diego in the spring, but I won't miss all the brown. I can't wait to post pictures on Facebook of all the trees and grass!!! (And I know...there is a very good reason why everything is so green.)

But in all of that/this/whatever it has been fascinating to see all of our (the 4 of us) personalities come out. And now that I think about it, I think I am the only one of us that really LIKES change. Mike is doing well and is excited for his new job. Truth be told, he wasn't with us last week while we were house hunting so he has NO idea where we are going. He has seen pictures, but won't see it until he picks up the keys next Sunday. Grace is indifferent. She says she is excited, but then she starts to wonder about starting a new school and meeting new friends. She is open to change, but unsure about how it will all play out. Emma...I'm pretty sure she is not on board with this. We've been in the throws of going away activities and she keeps insisting that we are going to visit Seattle, but we are going to live in San Diego. I can tell it is going to take some time and snuggles to get her through. We did visit her new school last week which was good, but we are walking a fine line there as well. In California she makes the cutoff for kindergarten and in Washington she doesn't. We found a great Pre-K program for her that is academic. Being a second born girl means she is TOTALLY ready, but I have to admit I am relieved to not have to wonder if I should have held her back. BUT...she is adamant that she is not going to preschool anymore. So we are dealing with a semantics game that hopefully works out for the next ten months.

Change. Over the last ten months this is something that Mike and I have talked about at length. We joke about it, but we are both very aware of our personalities and predispositions to change. We balance each other out extremely well, and it helps us tremendously to have insight into our children. I don't want them to become paralyzed by the fear of change, but I also want them to be able to feel reassured knowing that they can count on many things always being the same. So maybe I should emphasize "Same is Coming" instead of "Change". I guess I just don't want "Change" to become a bad word.

Untitled

2010-06-28T14:58:00.000-07:00

I haven't titled this post because I don't know what to title it. In some ways it is an extension of my first post. Remember when I said I had intentionally distanced myself over the past year. I have been faced this past week with the realization of what that means. I don't regret my choices, but I also am fighting hard to not start wondering or worrying what people think about me "checking out". So often I wish that when I met someone, I could just give them the disclaimer of "I'm moody and have anti-social tendencies - befriend me at your own risk". I'm sort of that classic "It's not you, it's me" girl. I'm not depressed and I'm not beating myself up, I'm just stating the facts. I know my issues. I know my "buttons". I am far from perfect and can easily explain why I am the way I am.

Instead of just moving forward and not caring about what I've left in the path behind me, I wish I could go to those people and share why I chose to end our friendship. In life friends are hard to come by, so it doesn't make sense that you would choose to end friendships, however, friendship needs to be more than symbiosis. I guess I just decided I wanted more from my relationships. I got to the point where I felt like I was trying hard to have depth and was not successful. But I go back to, it is me. I know that I am hard on other people. Incredibly hard. I am hard on myself.

So, if any of you reading this have been hurt or offended by me, I apologize. More often than not, I assume and accept responsibility for my failed relationships. To be honest, I don't know if I am entirely capable of sustaining a friendship with another female. I have my handful of girlfriends who I talk with once or twice a month, but in terms of living in close relationship or community with another female, I stink at it. I am socially incapable. That doesn't mean I am going to stop trying, but it does mean that if I come across as awkward...I know. What comes easy and natural to other people seems incredibly labor intensive to me. But I won't give up. I just need to accept that it is going to take effort.

Uncertainty

2010-06-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

I know it has been a couple of weeks since I wrote, but I have really been pondering what to write about. Not because of writer's block, but because so much has been going through my head. There is a lot of uncertainty in life right now and I often focus on that rather than the things that I am certain of. And I tell myself there isn't much that I am certain of, but in reality, I have much to be certain of. Yesterday I ran into someone in the parking lot and started talking to her. First, this is so not who I am. I am the anti-social one who usually races to my car. Small talk in the parking lot is definitely not my comfort zone. But I made a point to walk up to her and put my arm around her. Recently she found out that her middle son who is four years old is mentally retarded. I have an older brother who is mentally retarded. I despise the word "retarded" for that reason. My brother has always been a part of my life and I wanted to reach out to her from the perspective of a sibling dealing with a handicapped child. I can't begin to imagine what is must be like from the parent perspective. I watched my mom go through it, but she has never handled it well. After forty-four years, she is still very angry about my brother.

But my friend is different. First, she has a solid marriage and they both share a deep faith. Second, she is surrounded by a strong community that has been there for her consistently. I can imagine that she is feeling a tremendous amount of uncertainty and that she will continue to feel that way. But then I step back and think about our conversation and how we both agreed that life isn't perfect and pretty and that someday, not on this side of Heaven, things hopefully will make sense. Or maybe they won't, but does God really owe us an explanation? We can be certain of His love and we can be certain that He is not surprised by the circumstances of our lives.

So in the midst of uncertainty of how the details of life will unfold, I am reminding myself of all that I can be certain of and thanking God for unanswered prayers even when it breaks my heart.

Desire

2010-06-07T16:36:00.000-07:00

My book this year...yeah, I've needed to just keep going back to it again and again...has been about desire. Not in the sexy, romantic sense, but in the deep longings in life sense. How many times do we really reflect on what it means to desire? And when the desire is unfulfilled, the waiting and groaning and longing. Regardless of the desire, the process is the same. The reason I have needed to go back and read and reflect is because the desire is not going away. I am learning what it means to wait and groan....and surrender. Oh how I hate that word. The surrender has been the hardest part and yet the most freeing. I thought today I would share some of what I have learned.

Longing leads to fullness somewhere down the road. Meanwhile, being content is not the same as being full. Contentment is not freedom from desire, but freedom of desire. It is deciding that you no longer want to be ruled by your desires.

Pascal says we can be satisfied, but we can't be sated. A glass of wine vs. a bottle of wine. Our souls are always going to demand their fill here and now. We are not meant to be filled here and now.

I need to be undone. I want my desires to be at rest. I don't want to be ruled by them. But with the heartache comes unfilled desires. Looking back we can all agree there were many things we thought we wanted that we are grateful we did not get, but in the moment, we mourn the loss. We feel the pain. We know the ache. We must allow time for sorrow. We must not run from sorrow, but embrace it.

Fatherhood

2010-06-05T16:33:00.000-07:00

Typically a female pouring out her heart would write about motherhood, but today I am inspired to write about the other half. Every few months a conversation ensues at our house between myself and someone I will not name asking when he is going to have time to do what he wants on a weekend. Given where I've been at in my head lately - and he knows where I've been in my head as well - I remind him that right now the weekends tend to be about the kids activities. Thankfully he recovers quickly. All I know is I left this afternoon for a tea and felt a bit guilty about doing something alone when he was feeling edgy. All week long our oldest has been wanting to make a cardboard car for an event tomorrow night. What we both hoped would be an easier project became much more when our daughter drew out plans for what the car would look like. Two hours later I came home to a pink sedan with a sunroof, headlights and wheels. I'm almost at a loss for words.

Granted, I grew up in a different generation and dads today are much more engaged, but what he gave our daughter today was much more than a pink car. He gave her time and interest and excitement. Long before we were married, I shared all of my "daddy issues" and impressed upon him how vital his role would be in our children's lives. He will always be the first boy who fell in love with them. The joy I hear as I type takes my breath away. In the moments when I question whether or not he really enjoys being a dad - I know, but we've all done it ladies, right? - I will always remember a pink sedan. He already does so much for us and today, when he could have played Wii or folded laundry -another noble task-, he broke out bubblegum pink paint and made his girls smile. And he did it with a smile.

I never would have had the patience or creativity to do what he did today. I would have taken a shortcut or tried to talk our daughter out of her plans. I would have squashed her vision or maybe told her to go it alone. I would not have taken on the project with excitement and joy. Daddies are amazing creatures. In the beginning they feel so helpless because there isn't much they can do with a newborn. But as time passes and heartstrings attach, these men become the apple of their child's eye. I love that my husband fills a space that only he can fill. And I love that even though he would much rather being doing something for himself today, he gave of himself instead.

Confessions

2010-06-03T09:15:00.000-07:00

This will be the last SATC2 related post, but it is worth commenting on. The other poignant part of SATC2 is Charlotte's mommy meltdown. For those not well versed in all things SATC, Charlotte struggled with infertility and wanted nothing more than to be a mother. She finally adopts only to find herself sobbing in the pantry feeling overwhelmed. And that my friends is reality...the full time, live-in Scottish nanny - not-so-much. But what great writing...or better yet, what authentic writing.

So, seeing Charlotte "losing" it, Miranda - like any good girlfriend - gets some cosmos and plays Mommy Confessions. Take a drink and confess one aspect of motherhood that blindsided you. Or one feeling that you have that you feel guilty for having. I think there was a time in life when this game would have served me well. My favorite line - again...great writing - is when Charlotte "confesses" and then acknowledges "AND I HAVE FULL TIME HELP. How do the other women do it?". The funny thing is that a few years back I actually had a group of women say that to me. They all had nannies...not full-time, but always available and they said, "I don't know how you do it." I fought the urge to go home and tell my hubby how amazing I was, until I realized that being a mom seems a little bit easier now than when our mothers and grandmothers did it. Salad-in-a-bag alone has changed my life.

The truth is that everyone struggles with every life transition, but for me motherhood was the hardest. First, I was surprised by my double lined test. I had only been married for five months at the time and hadn't really given a lot of thought to children. Second, the minute I saw the lines I sobbed because I knew that I was a selfish girl and that my world was about to change. And I have struggled with that consistently for seven years - almost. We lose ourselves in motherhood...and I think we should...to an extent. We need to remember what made us feel like "us". For some women, they still need their career. For some women, they need to be able to sit down and read a book. For some women they need to create - scrapbooks, cards, girly stuff. Whatever it is, you need to confess that motherhood blindsided you. It blindsides EVERYONE! Did any of us expect to love these little ones as much as we do? I know I didn't. I'm looking at an almost seven year-old and thinking, "You changed my life. You changed who I am and who I want to be. I never knew how much I needed you." She has taught me so much. My hubby and I affectionately refer to her as my "sandpaper". She is the one that rubs up against me and exposes my flaws. She is the one that is teaching me to think before I act, because I never want my actions to hurt her spirit. She is the one that is teaching me.

Does that mean that I don't need to go to Book Club tonight and have a glass of wine? Um, not on your life.

Marriage

2010-06-01T19:21:00.000-07:00

Today I was able to steal away for a midday movie. Considering this season in life, a Tuesday morning movie is pure luxury. And...a shout out to the man in my life for giving me the thumbs up. Tuesday is his work from home day so an 11am movie was not entirely out of the question. A few other moms joined me - although it was really just sitting next to each since we didn't have time for a movie and discussion - which was great because I got to see that we all laughed in different places than other females in the audience.

So...Sex In The City 2. What else would I spend $9 on?

As I am sitting there watching and enjoying, I quickly realize how annoyed I am getting by Carrie. She has been married for two years and has turned into...I don't know. She is a nag and is just unhappy. I'm watching this "girl" - I know she is a fictional character, but I was one of those girls who lived vicariously through movies- and thinking "grow up".

The ultimate single girl has gotten married and is missing the "sparkle" - her words, not mine. Oh honey - marriage isn't about sparkle. All I kept thinking was, "Wow, you have an amazing guy who wants to stay home and eat take out with you and it isn't enough?". Don't get me wrong. I am not about to jump up on my soapbox. I have thought many, many times about my old apartment in Santa Monica and how much I would love to still have it for an escape. Conveinently for Carrie she has kept her apartment...FOR TWO YEARS! But marriage is work and is compromise and as I was watching the movie, I realized that I had jumped a hurdle. A year ago I would have walked out of SATC2 and felt like I had missed out on something. I would have wanted to have fabulous clothes and be going out for cosmos. Instead, I left the movie thinking how much I appreciate what marriage has come to mean. I have had the "sparkle" talk with my husband and time or two. I am sure I will have it again. My take away from the movie was that Big wanted to spend time with Carrie. He had been out there and he wanted to just "be". As ladies I think that is a hard adjustment. We get used to the attention and excitement. I love the attention and excitement. But even more, I love the comfort of knowing that I am with the person I want to be with everyday. But like I said...a year ago I wasn't there yet. Maybe I am starting to mature. Or, maybe I am starting to realize that marriage really does have seasons and that not every season is Spring. I don't wish Winter on anyone, but there is something glorious about Summer. The comfort of a warm laugh. Touching toes as you read in silence. Admitting you can't sleep when the other one isn't beside you. Knowing that a decision doesn't feel good until you have talked it through with someone who knows the way you think. To me, that is sparkle. That is not boring. I'm not saying I would refuse a black diamond ring. But I would much rather have the man who wants to come home to me and tell me about his day.

Maybe tomorrow I will write about Charlotte and Miranda's drinking game.

Joy

2010-05-28T15:54:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about this a lot lately too. Where does my joy come from and more importantly why and what do I allow to steal my joy? I think I steal my own joy most of the time. I let details and comparisons get the best of me. Actually, I let that little tiny whisper in the back of my head become my focus rather than stepping back and looking around.

My joy most certainly comes from my faith, but most days no one would know it. I look frowny and grumpy. So I have decided to think about the belly laughs of my girls and the feel of a hand in mine when I start down my road of uncertainty. I am going to think about afternoon dates with my best friend and shared bowls of ice cream with the person who knows me best. I going to think about the sound of childish conversations lamenting over who is going to be the mommy this time. And I will cherish the tenderness in which my girls "mother' each other.

I have so much to be joyful about and I am done with giving it away to a silly impostor. My girls don't see me the way I see myself. My husband doesn't see me the way I see myself. So it is time to start seeing myself the way they see me and reflecting the joy that I have in being. Not "just" a mom or a wife, but in being and being joyful for every moment.

I'm Back

2010-05-27T14:54:00.000-07:00

After a brief (ok...not so brief) hiatus and much soul searching, I am back. I allowed Facebook to serve as my main mode of communication, but realized that most people on Facebook wouldn't really care about the updates about what is going on in my head. Then I realized that a lot of people just post links to their blogs and then if people want to read the updates, they can.

So, I am back. Part of the hiatus I can blame on Facebook and the bigger part I blame on me. I am about to admit that I have spent the last year contemplating and evaluating life. At times it has been a bit depressing, but for the most part it has been therapeutic. Actually as I write, it may be more fitting to say I have spent the last two years...no, four years...oh who am I kidding. I always am contemplating. But...I have come to some realizations. I have spent quite a bit of time wondering what my 46 year-old self would tell my 36 year-old self and in the process have relaxed quite a bit. I am finally acknowledging that I don't have to fit into a mold. In no way do I profess to have answers, but I'm trying each day to accept myself and others for who we all are.

I am a thinker. I am always thinking and analyzing. My suspicion is that most people find that to be too heavy. I don't enjoy light conversations because I don't know how to have them. I am constantly thinking about my choices, other peoples choices and the impact that choices have on other people. I'm constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think, because what I think is just my opinion and I need to live my life, not other people's lives.

I have a hard time maintaining relationships. I am not sure if that is because I have a loner nature or if it is because I am constantly fighting my desire to tell people what I think.

I compare myself to other people quite often only to come back to accepting the choices that I am making. For a long time I put expectations on myself of what kind of mother I was going to be, only to step back and think about what I wanted my children to be like at eighteen. When I think about how I want them to remember our family and their childhood, it stops me from comparing myself.

So what would my 46 year old self say to me? I don't know, but I can only guess that she would first remind me that I have a 17 year-old (I will in 2020) and a 15 year-old and that the time went fast. Then she would tell me to relax and savor each and every second. That it was better to stay home and read a book than rush to one more activity. That it was better to stay home with my children while they were young and not take a vacation. That my children will remember the time spent together more than the places we visited. I think she would tell me that it is OK to be introspective and to think all the time as long as those thoughts are productive. I think she would tell me to keep my mouth shut and to remember that I don't know everything. I am sure life is going to throw me some curve balls and when they come I am likely to look back and realize that I don't always have the answer.

I have alienated a lot of people over the past year which saddens me. I take responsibility for the changes, but they were well thought out changes. I guess I just stepped back and thought about who I was and realized that I was tired of playing a part. There comes a time in life when it is time to be authentic and real, and I am hoping that I am at that point. I'm not perfect. I can be incredibly difficult. I don't fit into a mold. And finally after years of trying to make myself fit...of trying to be perky and funny, I'm OK with being me. I'm quick to apologize for my abrasive nature, but I am also willing to own my choices and teach my girls to do the same thing. I just think it is time to be excited about the way God wired me.

Behavioral Updates

2008-10-02T21:59:00.000-07:00

Grace: So Mom...I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday. Well...I was a little out of control and didn't really hear the bell. So...I noticed that my whole class left without me and I had to go to the principal's office so that someone could take me to class.

Grace: Um Mom...I kind of got in trouble today.
Mom: Really??? What happened?
Grace: Well. I was touching Ms. Sousa's stuff and had to go to timeout. She said if I did it again she would send me to the principal's office.
Mom: You know...the whole time I went to school I never went to the principal's office. I was so afraid of getting in trouble. I didn't even want my name on the board.
Grace: Well good for you Mom. My school is much lazier. (?????)

(In the middle of a meltdown after being asked to go put on a tank top and take off the long sleeve shirt in 100 degree weather)

Mom: Emma, I asked you to go put your tank top on. Where is it?
Emma: I don't know. It ran away.

(Shopping for birthday supplies in October means that Emma sees more Halloween monsters than she needs to)

Mom: Just cover your eyes and say "I don't like you."
Emma: Just take me home so I can hide from the monsters.

Freaky Friday

2008-09-19T13:35:00.001-07:00

As always I am wayyyyyyyyy behind on the blogging. My husband would attribute it to an inability to say "No" to extracurricular activities. I like to think of it as reaching out the community and doing my part. At any rate. Everyone (all 2) is in school and loving it. We are full day kindergarten which means 9-3:20 and let me tell ya...that is a LONNNGGGGGG day for 5 year old who wakes up before the sun. She is adjusting and is doing very well. I do have to admit though...and it absolutely pains me to do so....she has been a bit of a discipline problem. She has selective hearing disorder (can I call it a disorder?) which I blame on her dad (of course!) which means that she gets recess privileges about half the week. Hopefully she will learn quickly, but as for now she is learning the hard way.

Emma is loving preschool although I think she feels cheated that she only gets to go 2 days a week. Having Grace there last year she knows the ropes and feels like a seasoned vet after only 2 weeks. She did start ballet last week which I have to admit is the cutest thing I ever saw. Three year olds in tutus? Need I say more?

The Baseball Geek

2008-08-04T14:10:00.000-07:00

You know you are married to the right person when for Mother's Day they surprise you with a trip to Cooperstown, NY (home of the National Baseball Hall of Fame). An even better confirmation is when your sweet husband understands and agrees to let you extend the trip so that you can see Yankee Stadium before it is demolished.

Last week, I took off for 6 days all by myself (how indulgent is that??) and embarked on my dream trip. I know some dream of seeing the Eiffel Tower or the Great Wall, but Cooperstown was my dream and I was going on Induction Weekend which meant Hall of Famers would be everywhere.

I arrived in Albany late Friday night and met up with some of the people that I was "touring" with. I use quotes simply because it meant that we were on the bus together. A majority of the time I was on my own and just needed to be back at the bus by a certain time. I found this to be the best way to travel. I didn't have to listen to a boring tour guide and I could explore as much or as little as I wanted to.

I had built the trip up in my mind so much that it couldn't possibly live up to my expectations. Fortunately it exceeded them. I could never do justice to how beautiful upstate New York is and even moreso how beautiful Cooperstown Village is. I won't get too philosophical here (I'll save it for my journal), but suffice it to say that I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. It could not have been a more perfect weekend. I even got a great surprise when I snuck out the side exit of the museum to find Cal Ripken Jr. doing a radio interview.

I was there for two days and got choked up leaving. I KNOW it isn't the last time I will be there. It a place that I have to go back to. There are some places that instantly feel like home and Cooperstown Village is that place for me.

Monday morning we got on the bus and drove to Boston. In someways Boston feels like a second home to me...especially Fenway Park. It is without a doubt the best ballpark in all of baseball. I can now say that with complete authority because while in Cooperstown they did a little question and answer session with several Hall of Famers and Fenway was the unanimous choice for all ball players.

Fenway was beautiful as always and I was able to do the behind-the-scenes tour and see all of the changes that have been made since 2004. It was a little funny because I think I might have known more than our tour guide. In fact, halfway through the tour people started asking me questions. The highlight for me was that a new bar had opened up in center field of Fenway on the previous Friday. It is called the Bleacher Bar and it literally is in center field of Fenway Park. To sit and eat lunch and look out over that beauty left me speechless.

I walked back to my hotel and changed and then walked back to Fenway to watch a game between the Red Sox and the Angels. The Angels won (of course..and I expect them to all the way through October- they are my World Series pick) but I did get to see one of Manny Ramirez' last games as a Red Sox.

Tuesday morning we boarded the bus and drove back to New York to go see the House that Ruth Built and Steinbrenner remodeled. To be in Yankee Stadium was equally surreal. It seems tragic that it is being torn down. I am a baseball purist and absolutely hate to think about something as iconic as Yankee Stadium no longer existing. Of course, I hate the Yankees and George Steinbrenner, but I still don't think it should be torn down. I got there early which was great. A-Rod hit about 17 balls out of the park, but unfortunately I didn't snag one. Regardless, it was an amazing adventure and something that I will remember forever!

And finally...this was a day that took me by surprise

2008-07-21T20:54:00.001-07:00

On Tuesday, July 15, 2oo8...my little girl smiled like this!

Considering that tooth came in at 4 months...I'd say it had a good life.

Grace's First Dodger Game

2008-07-21T20:27:00.001-07:00

On July 12th Grace got the privilidge to see her crazy mom at a Dodger game. While it was all about her getting exposed to the joys of Dodger dogs and stadium junk food (she had a raging stomach ache before the end of the first inning.) I did get to teach her some great traditions. I taught her how to yell at an ump and how to do the wave. She also enjoyed the beach ball tradition and was devastated to see the ushers pop them when they were caught.

We went to the game with her very best friend Keaton. They have "known" each other since Grace was 3 weeks old and Keaton was 6 weeks old.

We thought we would be smart and leave after the 7th inning stretch (aka...Take Me Out To the Ballgame). BUT...as we started driving on the 110 we noticed a funny sound. Turns out we had a flat tire...in Downtown L.A. at 10:00pm on a Saturday night. And this my friends is where having a degree in Urban Ministry comes in handy because I know downtown L.A. like the back of my hand. The safest place to park on a Saturday night is in front of the World Famous Original Pantry. Once we got home the girls changed into their evening gear and took a photo.

4th of July

2008-07-21T20:21:00.001-07:00

While the plan was for Uncle Sam to be in the picture...he kind of got mushed. We spent the 4th in Coronado and it was the first year either one of them saw fireworks. Grace is NOT a night owl so we had to bribe her to take a nap. Emma on the other hand can party with the best of them.

Final thoughts on fireworks:

Emma: Ohhhhhhhhh....that was a nice one.
Grace: Why are they so loud? (covering her ears the entire time)

Catching up...Emma has a crush!!

2008-07-21T20:14:00.000-07:00

I know it is early but it is true. Emma TOTALLY has a crush on her swim teacher, Scott. And I think it is mutual. How sweet is it to see a high school boy turn to mush when an almost 3 yr. old with long blond hair flirts with him? She does that "look down, then up and says, "Hi Scott." And even on her grumpy days all I have to say is, "Do you wanna go see Scott?" and she screams, "Sissy, hurry up. I gotta go see Scott!" Let's just say she is motivated to learn to swim.

Playing Catch Up...Grace's Birthday

2008-07-21T19:58:00.000-07:00

Soooooooo....the Tim Russert thing kind of threw me. I know...everyone can comment on what a freak I am. The sad thing is that it has been over a month and the topic came up at dinner last Thursday and I broke into an ugly cry at Outback. The mourning is far from over...but I digress.

On June 19th my sweet "big" girl turned 5!! Here are some pictures from her party and of her riding her brand new scooter at 6:15am.

She loves being 5. In our house 5 means you can have gum and that was huge. So huge in fact that the neighbor brought over a Chinese food box filled with every variety of gum you can imagine.

Accoutability

2008-06-14T14:43:00.000-07:00

When we moved into our house in San Diego, our realtor and good friend gave us the book Wisdom of our Fathers. Prior to that I was always a Tim Russert fan, but all the more after reading the book. Any man who takes his faith and his role as a father so seriously is a hero in my eyes. He was the type of guy that seemed like a genuine man of integrity. He held himself accountable and those around him accountable and that always seemed to come through whether he was talking to a politician or talking about his own father or son.

Mike is surprised that I am glued to the television, but I just can't believe that he is gone. I really admired him so much.

(Why are my last few posts only about death?)

Clarification

2008-05-22T23:05:00.000-07:00

Just in case there is any gray area to my previous post I just want to say for the record that I don't want any harm to come to my children. I can't begin to comprehend that. I just meant that I know God is in control of everything including the number of days we have here and our children have here. And as long as I am here, I want to continue to grow in my faith which means there are going to be times of pain. I pray that pain doesn't include burying a child, but if it does God is still God and I know He will be faithful.

Deep Thoughts

2008-05-22T14:43:00.000-07:00

As I went to update my Facebook page today I noticed that many of my friends were praying for Steven Curtis Chapman, a popular Christian musician. When I went to check it out I discovered that his 5 year old daughter was run over in their driveway last night and died. In addition it happened to be one of their teenage sons who was driving the car. To say I am affected is such an understatement. Not only do I have an almost 5 year old of my own, but Steven just released a song not too long ago entitled Cinderella that he wrote for his daughter. I made Mike a photo montage of the girls and used that song as the backdrop. Today his little Cinderella is dancing in Heaven...and while it is exciting and wonderful to think of her dancing with Jesus...I can't imagine the pain...and not just for one child, but for two. Their son has to be going through incredible pain...and as a parent how do you reconcile that? How are you not angry at your child who needs your grace more than ever? The Chapmans have two teenage boys so it is unclear who was driving the car, but regardless he will never be completely the same. And while I know that God can use this for good and that this was not out of God's plan or control it still causes me a bit of anxiety...because our growth and our stretching in our faith comes during the valleys and the storms. And God doesn't promise to calm the storm, but rather promises to be with us in the storm. I guess it isn't our place to ask why this happened, but to ask God to be glorified because this happened.

I can't begin to imagine what it is like to lose a child and I ask God quite often to not let that be part of my story...and yet if that is what it would take for my faith to grow and for people to understand God's love then that is what I want. I know that sounds crazy to a bunch of people and that it sounds like I "drank the Kool-Aid", but it is what I really believe. God is bigger than we are and He is in control. Not as an evil dictator, but rather as a loving parent who knows that as difficult as it is to watch His children in pain sometimes there is a bigger picture and a purpose that makes the pain necessary for a season.

10 on Wednesday...why not?

2008-04-30T22:05:00.000-07:00

1. T-Ball is officially over. The last game was on Saturday and trophies were handed out last night. All in all it was a good experience. Had I not made a trip to the snack bar on Saturday I would not have be put in charge of ALL of T-Ball next year. Yikes!

2. I am obsessed with Facebook.

3. Actually I am obsessed with Scramble on Facebook. It is basically Boggle on Facebook, but I am amazed at how stupid I am when it comes to the English language. Halfway through every game I start making up words.

4. Grace decided on a Fancy Nancy birthday party yesterday. Now the only problem is that I'm not sure her friends know who Fancy Nancy is.

5. Mike and I leave for Catalina in 34 hours. I can't wait to be sitting on a beach.

6. I finished The Other Boleyn Girl. I highly recommend the book. Even though it is almost 700 pages, it goes quick.

7. I don't recommend seeing the movie if you read the book. Then again the movies are never as good as the books.

8. Grace is already on the count down to when she starts kindergarten. She wants me to tell her how many days, but I told her we won't start counting days until July.

9. Speaking of kindergarten...I have begun to freak out a bit. Already I feel like Grace comes home from school with more of an attitude than I dropped her off with. I finally talked with the teacher yesterday because I wanted to be able to blame it on one of the other girls. Come to find out this is what five year-old girls are like. The teacher told me to brace myself because it only gets more challenging from here...and then she recommend a fantastic book call Shepherding a Child's Heart by Ted Tripp.

10. While I really hope to be reading People or InStyle this weekend something tells me I may be reading a parenting book on the side.

Plumbing

2008-04-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

Usually I hold off on blogging until I have a fascinating picture to share or a cute little mommy moment that I think others might enjoy. HA! When I think back on the pictures I have taken lately - the inside of our downstairs bathroom toilet to send to my stepdad so he could tell me how to fix it - somehow that just does not cut it as blog worthy.

Why is it that all the household stuff seems to go to pot - no pun intended - as soon as the hubby leaves town? Then again even if the hubby was sitting in the next room right now, I still think I would have had to send the picture to my stepdad.

10 on Tuesday

2008-04-01T18:54:00.000-07:00

1. I really have the blahs today. I can't quite put my finger on it. I really have no reason. I really want to drive to the beach, but I think I will make dinner instead.

2. We are getting out house painted...on Mercury Insurance's dime. Woo-hoo! I have been dying to change the color since we moved here and thanks to the fires it is happening.

3. We had a drawing at Stroller Strides yesterday in which our vendor of the month, Civil Disobedience, donated a free pair of jeans. Our instructor asked Grace to pull the winning name and...SHE PICKED ME!

4. I went to get a new pair of jeans today! :)

5. Tomorrow is MOPS. No matter how much I think I don't want to go, I always leave adoring my girls and wanting to eat them up. Clearly MOPS is money well spent.

6. I think I saw a girl I went to high school with on Dr. Phil yesterday. It was kind of funny and sad at the same time. The funny thing was that I wasn't surprised to see her on Dr. Phil and the sad thing is that after 17 years she wasn't that different.

7. I started reading The Other Boleyn Girl...finally. I was worried that I was really going to hate it since I don't do historical fiction. Turns out it is very engaging. Now we'll see if I can get through all 700 pages. I've never read a book that long before.

8. On Friday night I had a hard time falling asleep so I decided I would start reading Mistaken Identity...OK..so I read the whole thing. I love when I am able to sit down and read a book from start to finish.

9. Not so shameless plug...this is an AMAZING book. I highly recommend it. It is about the two girls from Taylor University who were in a fatal car crash and had their identities switched for five weeks unbeknown st to their families.

10. After reading Mistaken Identity I held my girls a lot tighter on Saturday so clearly that we money well spent also.

Spring Is In The Air

2008-03-27T13:36:00.000-07:00

She is growing up so fast and was so excited to be at church for Easter Sunday. When people said "Jesus has risen.", she was quick to respond, "He has risen INDEED!"

She couldn't leave Baby out of the picture because Baby would feel sad.

Mom was very excited to find shoes that matched the Easter dresses.

It is getting more and more challenging to capture family photos. There is a lot to be said for bribery!

10 on Tuesday

2008-03-18T13:35:00.000-07:00

1. Tomorrow is Mike's birthday. I can't believe I will married to a 35 year old. It feels a little bit sleazy. (Sorry Babe!)

2. We are at the tail end of Birthday Week and that means I get to update my sweetie's wardrobe so that he doesn't look like a 35 year old.

3. We are feeling like we have just come through a battle with a sweet angel faced 2 year old. All of a sudden she started waking in the middle of the night and wanting someone with her. Then it started at naptimes. For anyone that knows me sleep is a BIG deal to me. If a book was written on it I have read it. Needless to say, I whipped out my Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and started some tough love.

4. I started Tough Love yesterday and we were back on track IMMEDIATELY. For all the angst I had of saving for therapy she learned really quick that she wasn't going to win.

5. Why didn't I start this two weeks ago?

6. I pondered signing Grace up for Pop-Warner cheerleading. Dad shut that down REALLY FAST!

7. In honor of the aforementioned birthday...we are going snowboarding tomorrow! Mike's dad is spending the night and Mike and I are spending the day together.

8. Does anyone else feel like everything is getting rushed this year? Daylight savings the second Sunday of March and Easter next Sunday. What is there to be excited about in April?

9. Beth Moore! I just remembered she is coming to San Diego. Yea!!!

10. OK...now that I went to write that on the calendar I realize that there is a lot to look forward to over the next three months. Actually...there is TOO much.

Mike's Full Circle Moment

2008-03-03T21:44:00.000-08:00

This is a video from before ski school even started. She still is not so good at stopping, but look at her go on the skis! We still aren't sure if she is laughing or crying at the end, but we detect a smile so it must be OK.

For Those That Know Me Well

2008-03-03T21:33:00.001-08:00

This was one of the best scenes of my life. Talk about a full-circle moment. I don't expect her to love softball. I would love for her to love softball, but that may not be her thing. Regardless, I can't believe that I have a little girl who is playing T-Ball!

And to answer the question that many have asked....No, I am not the coach and I won't be. I want to give her a shot at loving softball. I have a hard enough time standing behind the fence and watching seven little girls go running after a ground ball.

Some Pictures From FoHo

2008-02-07T17:16:00.000-08:00

Ahhhh...

2008-02-07T16:58:00.000-08:00

So...once again we are at the one month mark and I am updating just so that I can say it hasn't been over a month. January proved to be fairly uneventful. The best part of the month was Mike and I getting a weekend away at Forest Home for a Couples Retreat. Going to Forest Home always feels like going home. I have been going there for close to fifteen years and then to be there with my hubby made it all the sweeter. It wasn't our first time going up there for a Couples Retreat, but it never ceases to amaze me that after all my years of praying for the wrong boy up at Forest Home that I am able to go back with the right boy.

One of the most humorous parts of the weekend was on Friday night when the hosts did a little ice-breaker to see who could stay standing up the longest. If the statement they said was true we had to sit down. One of the first statements was, "If you have thrown a snowball at your spouse sit down." AND WE WERE THE ONLY ONES TO SIT DOWN! Unfortunately my sweet hubby didn't play by the rules and he nailed me in the face (see picture at top o' blog) but don't worry....I had plenty of chances to get him back. In all seriousness it was a beautiful weekend to be in the mountains and it was a refreshing time for the both of us and gave us a great opportunity to have a "State of Union".

Other than the glorious weekend we are in throws of an overscheduled 4 year old. We are having fun, but I promise you that once the school year is over we are going to aim for an unscheduled day.

Ten on Tuesday

2008-01-08T14:50:00.000-08:00

1. An entire month has not gone by since I blogged. Almost, but I made it just in time to absolve myself on total and complete blog-guilt.

2. We still have not gotten our clothes back from the fires. Mike insisted that he missed nothing and that this was a great lesson in how little we need. To say that I miss my Ugg boots is the understatement of the century! Fortunately my sweet hubby got to eat his words when he was packing for his business trip on Sunday night. He asked me to help him pick out ties and I got to laugh and tell him he didn't have any. Not nice I know, but after all the grief he has given me over the last few weeks he kinda sorta deserved it.

3. Within the last week we have received notices informing us that we owe a whole lot of money for traffic tickets. We've been referring to them as our little mistakes. We can no longer call them little. I had no idea what a "California stop" (feel free to ask if you need a definition) would cost me. Neither one us realized that a ticket we paid for a year ago never made it to the court so if I don't pay the ticket (issued to Mike) by the 20th, I will officially be married to a "man on the run". They have asked for his license and will issue a warrant. So Dangerous!! :)

4. Sunday night was the first time since the fires that Mike has had to travel. He won't be home until tomorrow and I think I have gotten about six hours of sleep. I totally have PTSD!

5. I can't believe I have a child who will go to kindergarten this year. I feel so old!

6. I have started Weight Watchers again. I did it after I had Emma and was very successful. I kind of fell off the wagon last year. I'm OK with exercising, but not so OK with my eating. I fortunately have my "go-to" foods that I like to keep in the house. That being said, we've moved so I've had track down my all-time fave Clifford Crunch. Closest location? Santee Target. That would be an exact marathon from our house. 26.2 miles. Yes, I drove there today and cleaned them out of Clifford Crunch. And bought diapers. And some soup. Gotta love Target, no matter where it is located it always has something you need.

7. Does anyone else feel like their house looks bare without Christmas decorations? Just a question.

8. I'm not super excited about the prospect of potty-training. The truth is I'm just too lazy to be that on top of it. It is a little sad when your four year-old is the one asking the two year-old if they need to go potty and then taking them.

9. Have I ever mentioned that there is a little drive thru coffee place here that sells a Snicker Bar Latte. They actually have a sugar-free version that is 2 Die 4....hmmmmmmm....maybe I need to pack up the girls and take a little drive.

10. Grace and I have decided that it is time for her to stop sucking her fingers. It is completely subconscious and when she is nervous, stressed, bored, etc. She comes by it honestly in that I was a chronic nail-biter and still slip into old habits when I'm stressed or scared. I was referred by a friend to a VERY cool product that I just ordered. I will have to let you know how it goes.

Teddy Bear Tea

2007-12-10T13:49:00.000-08:00

I felt like I reached a personal rite of passage this weekend. I took the girls to their first Tea at the Westgate Hotel. It was specifically geared toward little girls, but they still used china (ahhhhhhhhhh!...nothing got broken) and had fancy finger sandwiches and the whole formal tea thing. Here are the girls getting ready.

They had a great time and enjoyed being "Fancy Nancies". They stuck their pinkies out and Grace said, "Dahling" a lot. They served the little ones hot chocolate and then a few courses of yummy stuff. First they had finger sandwiches (grilled cheese, egg, PB & J, and Strawberry and Banana). Then they had chocolate chip scones hot from the oven. Next, they had berries and cream with four little pastries. As for Nana and I, we had the typical tea fare. Don't get me wrong...it was delicious, but would you rather have a chocolate chip scone or a raisin scone? I rest my case.

After the tea we moved into the lobby to be entertained by a clown. All the girls took off their shoes and sat on pillows and listened to stories until Santa arrived with....TEDDY BEARS!

I'm not sure if it will become a yearly tradition or not, but it was well worth the effort and it was adorable to see all the girls and boys in their Christmas finest.

If You Can't Beat 'Em...Join 'Em

2007-12-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.elfyourself.com/?id=1205892324

Coming Out of Hiding

2007-12-05T13:47:00.001-08:00

Not that I have been in hiding per se, but it feels like we have been buried since coming home. Of course coming home right before the holidays doesn't necessarily help, but what better motivation to get our home - literally and figuratively- in order?

Lest I lead you astray, I have hardly been home bound the last couple weeks. Immediately - as in the day after we checked out of the hotel - Mike and I boarded a plane to London. We had plans to visit his Dad's flat for months and it just so happened that the trip was planned for right when we came home. Actually that is not entirely true. I was calling the insurance company for a few days before we left telling them we needed to be out of the hotel and back in our house before we left. I don't know how many friends I made that week, but I doubt we are exchanging Christmas cards. :)

So London was great. We ate well and went to see a couple of shows. Mike's dad and his wife were with us so it was fun to spend some time with them. I went to have tea at The Ritz which was fantastic as well. It was just enough time to forget about the mayhem, but we also knew that the house was not going to organize itself. Besides...we wanted to host Thanksgiving! Yes, we got home and had three days to pull off Thanksgiving. We had much to be thankful for and wanted to spend our first Thanksgiving in a house IN our house.

I couldn't include the picture of the turkey because my turkeys don't come out pretty. I cook them upside so they taste juicy. They taste good...just don't look good.

And along the lines on first holidays in the house, the weekend after Thanksgiving was a mad rush to Home Depot to buy Christmas lights for the house. I don't have pictures of that just yet, but suffice it say that my sweet hubby and I had quite the debate over all white lights vs. retro 1972 big bulb colored lights. And in the spirit of Christmas we came to a compromise. White lights inside the house and retro outside. I can't help but laugh hysterically every time I drive up to the house. I feel like I'm 7 when I see those huge bulbs hanging from the rain gutters.

OK...I'm to recreate the Christmas labels. Did I tell everyone that our hard drive crashed as soon as we plugged our computer back in? It did. I was not happy. Not at all. But I did get an early Christmas present out of the deal. Helllllllllooooooooooooo laptop!

Home at last...sorta

2007-11-13T14:06:00.000-08:00

Well....22 days after leaving our house in smoke filled pandemonium, we are somewhat back. At least we are able to let the girls hang out here while we try to restore some sort of normal. We still need to have carpets steamed and insulation replaced and hopefully before this day is done we will have mattresses.

Emotionally I am exhausted and done, but then I look out the window as I type this and see three missing houses so how is that for perspective.

I am still wrestling with all of my emotions. God is still God regardless of circumstances. I don't doubt that for one second. However I have a hard time saying we are blessed when I know that the people who lost their houses are no less blessed. I am thankful. I guess that is appropriate.

10 on Tuesday

2007-10-09T12:49:00.000-07:00

1. Fall makes me giddy. I love the crisp weather and trips to the Pumpkin Patch.

2. I love Notre Dame football when they win! This weekend was even sweeter because we were at the game and USC lost!!

3. I'm already starting to feel stressed about the holidays. Who is going where and how in the world are we going to afford presents? Every year I mean to budget and set aside money and I never seem to do it.

4. This Sunday our church is cancelling services and we are going out to serve in the community. I'm so excited to see what God is going to do.

5. Mike is going to be taking Grace with him on Sunday to feed the homeless downtown. I'm so proud of him!!

6. I'm kind of annoyed with all the new shows this Fall. I guess it just gives me more time to read, but c'mon...even Grey's is not totally doing it for me.

7. Emma is going to start going to preschool one day a week. I'm so excited and yet I already know those three hours are going to fly by. I already made my list for this Thursday. I'm not complaining...I can't remember the last time I went grocery shopping by myself.

8. I have finally resorted to writing names on toys. We had a speaker come to MOPS last week who made several good points about sharing and how the greater goal should be to teach our children to respect each others property and desires. That being said, Emma has had a crash course on how to spell her name and her sister's name. She doesn't seem to care if something says G-R-A-C-E...she still wants it...NOW!

9. I'm going on another Girl's Weekend in four days. I mentioned it to someone this morning who responded with, "You must have the most understanding husband in the world.". Ummmmmmmm....he is pretty great, but he also left for New Jersey yesterday and won't be home until late Thursday so I'm not feeling horrible about leaving. Besides I won't be that far away and I'll be home Sunday.

10. It is amazing how quickly Baby Fever- "oh my gosh, my baby isn't a baby anymore and I think I want another one" - goes away when the hubby goes away.

Happy Birthday "I Got Booty"

2007-10-03T12:54:00.000-07:00

Our little princess is 2 today. It hardly seems possible that time has flown by this quickly. She cracks us up more and more every day. Grace has been trying to teach her the princess names and she nails them all except Sleeping Beauty. It comes out "I Got Booty". She now realizes that it makes people laugh so she says it for no good reason. Ahhh...the things we will look back on!

Speechless

2007-09-24T19:31:00.000-07:00

That is the only word is can think of to describe this past weekend. I had a snapshot moment in life that I will look back on forever. I experienced one of the truest forms of community with three other women and I came home refreshed, revived, and loved on in more ways than I could have dreamed.

I went to Denver this past weekend with a friend from San Francisco and two friends from the South Bay. The funny thing is that we all know each other from church in the South Bay and yet while Joy and I lived there the four of us never really hung out. We briefly saw each other about six months ago and I had such a great time that I asked them if they would want to go to Denver for the Women of Faith conference. I was pushing for Denver because Beth Moore was doing the Pre-Conference and it is impossible to listen to her teaching without be blessed beyond measure.

And blessed we were. We all walked away with a lot to process.

Friday evening my "cheese factor" won out and we had dinner at the former Real World Denver house. IT WAS AMAZING! It was swanky and we sat in a booth that had gauzy curtains that the waiter had to pull back to serve us. We had the best mini-burgers I ever tasted. If you are ever in Denver go to Theorie in LoDo and have a rib-eye burger or a kobe beef burger.

After dinner we skipped the college scene next to the old house and headed across the street to Tavern on Market to go dancing. I can't even say this was the best part of the weekend because the whole weekend rocked, but for me personally I can't remember the last time I felt that free and alive. The DJ played some great songs and we could hardly pull ourselves away. Let's just say that if the husbands could have seen us they would have been dyin'.

Saturday we ordered the most expensive oatmeal on the face of the earth from room service and then we were treated to a personal training session by Joy. It felt great to sweat and even better to have a pro giving me some exercises to get rid of the deflated baby tire around my middle. After that we headed to lunch with Joy's brother, Chad and his wife Heather, and I continued my walk down Real World Memory Lane. It was exhilarating to be sitting on a rooftop patio in LoDo drinking beer and eating bar food. With full stomachs we headed back to the hotel because Joy and Cassie were scheduled to go have massages and facials. Stacy and I opted out and instead each took some time to hang out with God. Stace fired up Joy's IPOD and hung out by the spa and I took a solo excursion to Larimer Square. It made me a little bit giddy. The tall brick buildings that were over 100 years old and a street side cafe with a barista who made me her own special coffee yummy somethin-somethin. All I know is that it had Espresso, sweetened condensed milk, cinnamon and some other good stuffy. I sat at a sidewalk table and listened to music and journaled for almost two hours. I literally had to pull myself away, but I didn't want Stace to start worrying. Once I got back to the hotel, I stopped in the bar to have a beer and catch up on the football games. I don't think I had ever sat by myself in a bar before. Granted it was a hotel bar, but it was still a little bit empowering. As many of you may know the scores were less than promising and it put me in a not so good mood. So, I texted Stacy and we planned to meet at the 27th floor of the the hotel in the lounge to watch the sun set. Neither one of us were prepared for the breathtaking view of the entire city. It was glorious. I didn't necessarily need it to be glorious because I clearly fell in love with this city before Saturday but it brought tears to my eyes. Ten months ago I had never been to Denver and this past weekend was my third trip there. There is a little piece of me that feels like it is a home base; a place of safety. So, Stace and I met, had a heart-wrenching talk in which she forced me to be honest with myself about some stuff, waited for the other two to arrive and then the four of us stayed there until past 9pm. We affirmed one another and shared how God has been so close to us in the deepest of valleys this past year. The affirmations were almost too hard to handle. It is tough to sit and listen to people you love and respect so much build you up. I felt like such a fraud and yet I knew that these women knew me incredibly well and that my "mask" never made it to Denver. I allowed myself to be known by them and they still thought great things about me!

So that is pretty much it. We stayed until Sunday afternoon, but Joy left early that morning and Stacy, Cassie , and I just wound things up. We prayed together and left the hotel and weekend ready to come back to our lives as mommies and wives. I felt like there was nothing unfinished about the weekend at all. Never in my life did I know that relationships with women could be like this. There was no drama and jealousy. There was no judgment and no criticism. There was simply love between four daughters of Christ who relished in a moment to bask in His glory.

Ten on Tuesday

2007-09-18T14:21:00.000-07:00

1. It is finally starting to feel like Fall. I think I need to go make a bouquet of sharpened pencils.

2. I need a vacation.

3. I'm leaving for a mini-vacation is 48 hours!!

4. I am SO ready for the new season of TV shows to start. Mike made me watch K-VILLE with him last night and I was bored out of my mind.

5. I think I have over committed myself for the school year.

6. I can't believe my baby is going to be 2 in less than two weeks.

7. I have baby fever, but I can't seem to get over the dread of being pregnant again and waking up in the middle of the night.

8. Yes, I know that is selfish.

9. I'm in love with the new Casting Crowns CD.

10. Did I mention I leave for a mini-vacation in 48 hours!

A Sassy New Haircut

2007-09-15T16:14:00.000-07:00

Even at the age of 4....a haircut can completely change your outlook on life~

Some updated pictures and answers to prayer

2007-09-14T17:05:00.000-07:00

We need to have a picture of our kids with us for our MOPS nametags so we took this before church on Sunday. It was amazing they could sit this close without bickering. Actually this is the last one we got before Emma shoved Grace off my lap and declared, "My Mommy!".

Last Saturday was the first day of soccer. We don't have a final verdict just yet, but it seemed to go well enough. Grace liked that she had her own ball, but she refused to wear her cleats or shin guards. Maybe if they were purple with sparkles it would help.

Preschool update: God is good! It was a whirlwind week and a lot of tears were shed...by me. Two angels crossed my path this past week and both of them shared that what was considered the "best" preschool wasn't exactly a Christian preschool...and that is really important to both Mike and I. We were kind of shocked being that it is a church preschool, but after further investigation we discovered they were right. I made the call today to a different preschool...one that I have known of all along and that came highly recommended this week...and sure enough they have a spot for Grace on the days we want, at the times we want, and two girls that Grace knows will be in her class. It is really the ideal situation. I can't tell you the sense of peace I have knowing that she is going to a school that she is going to love.

School Days

2007-09-10T15:03:00.000-07:00

You would think that we were trying to pick a college based on the anxiety level in our house. It actually started after we moved to San Diego, but even with all of my "planning" it has still come down to the wire and I'm still in a quandary as to what the best decision is for Grace. Do I really let a four year-old decide what school she wants to go to? Just because a school is "the best" does that mean it is the best for her? It isn't like she is going to be permanently damaged by the decision, but she has had such a tough time adjusting to San Diego life that I want her to be excited about school. She has the chance to go to a school that is more social and has seven other girls, or she can be in a school that has six kids total and has a awesome teaching method. When it is all said and done, she will be going to a new school for kindergarten.

It is a lot of angst for a momma bear!

Tagged!

2007-08-30T20:05:00.001-07:00

I just got tagged to share 8 random things about myself. Here I was innocently looking at Stace's blog and SLAM...I got tagged. So here goes. It is suppose to be stuff that nobody really knows, but I think most people might know this stuff.

1. I have total blog anxiety because I have two friends that ALWAYS have adorable pictures of their girls on their blogs. I barely take enough pictures of the girls and I am married to someone that is super anal retentive about how the pictures are downloaded and where they get filed. That is why I don't blog more often.

2. I am addicted to Real World, The Hills, and Newport Harbor. I can't get enough of the angst and drama 16-25 years old face when MTV cameras are hovering and uncomfortable interactions are staged.

3. I am also addicted to Perez Hilton.

4. Based upon the previous two confessions I am not as shallow as one may think. I read at least 2-3 books a week. The last book I read was Water For Elephants. Upon moving to San Diego I started a book club within a playgroup I was invited to and it has really taken off!

5. An exciting few months were kicked off last weekend. Mike and I went to Denver for the weekend for his cousin's wedding and then I am going back in a few weeks with some of my girlfriends to see Beth Moore. In October, eight of my friends from L.A. are coming down to San Diego for a Girl's Weekend in Coronado and in November, Mike and I are going to London for a few days with his dad. Having vacations to look forward to are the peak of excitement for a stay-at-home mommy. Besides...the girls get to stay with my mom and as Grace shared with us last Sunday night as we were picking them up, "I want to stay with Nana. She's more fun."

6. Most of my vacations involve movie scene hunting, TV shooting spot hunting, and having tea. For example, my first trip to New York involved me downloading You've Got Mail's filming locations and visiting each one of them. This past weekend in Denver, I needed to see the Real World house and relived where Tyree got arrested for peeing on the wall. When I go to London in November, I have already made sure that I get to go to Notting Hill and visit Portobello Road and then go have tea at the Savoy. It is fair to say that most of the time I am wishing I was in a movie or I am quoting lines from a movie to talk myself down from the ledge. No need to post a comment saying I'm a dork. I already know that. :)

7. Before meeting Mike I attended 20-30 Dodger games a season. If no one wanted to go with me I would go by myself.

8. I often wish I could go back and talk to my 22 year-old self and encourage her to be more confident. If I had only known then what I know now...but then I wouldn't be who I am now so it would be totally different.

Are you ready for some football?

2007-08-14T09:11:00.000-07:00

There are 18 days until the Notre Dame/Georgia Tech game. The Fritch family is ready!

Who's Birthday was it?

2007-08-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

Hi Fishies!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Let me just show off my fancy Moose purse...Moose, say "cheese".
Mommy, Daddy, Emma, Elmo, Grace and Ariel just seconds before Elmo came unraveled.
Mom...do I look fabulous?
Emma, this man is talented...pay attention. Sir, do you love my purse?

Well, Birthday Week is over and it was fantastic. How could it not be with eight days of presents! It was capped off by a Padres game in a luxury box on Friday night. Thank Goodness Barry Bonds didn't break the home run record that night. It would have put a damper on the weekend. On Saturday we had a BBQ with my former roommates before getting married. And on Sunday we headed down to Seaport Village after church. It was cheesy and touristy, but exactly what I wanted to do with the girls. We actually headed over to Coronado and then took the ferry across the bay. After lunch we rode the carousel and Grace said, "Mom, I'm so glad you decided to do this for your birthday!". If only she knew.

Iron Girls

2007-07-31T21:17:00.000-07:00

The before picture is far better than the after picture. So even though the one above was taken at 6am by my somewhat supportive husband (hehehe) and my overly enthusiastic daughter, we look far more athletic than we did after the run. All in all, it was awesome. Katie and I ran the IronGirl 10K and had a blast. We finished and were excited to do another one. The funny thing is that the last time we "competed" (we chose not to say we ran it, since there were definitely moments of speed walking) we ran the Jimmy Stewart Marathon Relay which was only 5.2 miles and we felt much better after this one than we did the relay.

Now I just need to keep up with the running and see if I can't make this body of mine do a Half Marathon. I'm not out to win...just to finish. Of course that would have meant running another seven miles on Saturday. I guess that is why they have training schedules!

Ten on Tuesday

2007-07-24T20:42:00.000-07:00

1. We just started watching Lost one month, one week and four days ago.

2. We are done with the first two seasons.

3. Season 3 does not come out until December 11th and I can't figure out how to download it off the internet.

4. I find this to be incredibly lame.

5. I'm running a 10K on Saturday.

6. I don't know if I've trained enough.

7. There is a 90 minute time limit. I think I should be OK.

8. My birthday is in 12 days.

9. Birthday week starts in 5 days.

10. What is birthday week you ask? Only the best tradition ever that we adopted from our friends the Hagan's. It is like Hanukkah for your birthday. 8 crazy days of presents!

Bad Habits

2007-07-23T13:07:00.000-07:00

Scene: Grace is sitting on the bottom of our staircase with my friend Kari and we are waiting for the babysitter to show up. It is 6pm last Wednesday night and it had been fairly warm during the day. I can't bring myself to use the air conditioner since I haven't lived anyplace with an air conditioner since Las Vegas. I use ceiling fans but that doesn't pertain to the story.

Grace: Mom, this is getting to be a really bad habit.
Me: What?
Grace: I'm sweating!

Statue of Limitations

2007-07-20T19:25:00.001-07:00

So what exactly are the rules when it comes to doing cheese-ball touristy things? How long after you move someplace do you get to do the ridiculous without looking ridiculous? Mike was in Chicago all week so I took liberty to put quite a few miles on the Pilot. Besides wanting to go on adventures I was also looking to score a couple of free lunches.

On Monday I met my mom in Temecula at Red Robin. On Tuesday I called my father-in-law and suggested that I bring the girls to Coronado for lunch. On Wednesday we hit up Sea World again. This time we drove into the parking lot at 2:45pm for a 3:00pm show and drove out of the parking lot at 3:39pm. On Thursday I drove back to Coronado with the girls and took them on the Coronado Ferry. We never got off. We just ate our lunch and Emma screamed, "Hi fishies" for a solid hour. Thank goodness we were not with the same group of people the entire hour. I'm sure some people were secretly wishing she would fall overboard.

Today I decided to explore the 52 freeway. I had no idea where it went but figured I couldn't get too lost and ended up finding out that it goes to La Jolla. Who knew? The exploring is fun, but also frustrating. I know Los Angeles County SO well and I don't know San Diego County well at all. Mike's friends called me Zagats and now I wouldn't even qualify for the free local paper. In time I'll get there. In the meantime I know the girls are getting tired of our exploring. Today Grace asked if we could just go straight home from her friends house with exploring. I'm going to have to start thinking of ways to make it more fun or to get her really turned around so she doesn't know that we are exploring.

Sea World Shamuettes

2007-07-16T20:36:00.001-07:00

Talk about peer pressure...

2007-07-15T15:00:00.001-07:00

I never thought that I would be called out to start a blog. I must say...it is rather flattering! Thanks Stace! I've started and stopped twice in the last two months. There is a tremendous amount of pressure that is built into a blog. Am I funny enough? Am I too serious? Are my photos too amateur? Come to think of it...I've been "called out" a lot lately.

My friend Susie thinks I should follow her lead and go sky diving for my birthday in two weeks. I can't even handle the parachutes at Knott's Berry Farm let alone CHOOSING to jump out of a plane. Parachute or not, I'd be looking for a dull object really fast.

Grace, my 4 year old, thinks that I need to stop drinking Coke. It is diet, but she still informs me that it is not healthy and that I should just drink water. Talk about words coming back to bite you!

Mike thinks I need to go back to school so I can get a job that pays really well so he can stay home with the girls. Please...and give up Women's Bible Study, MOPS, Stroller Strides, and weekly trips to Sea World to see Shamu?

By the way...check out Shamu's mad skills breakdancing. Right here he is doing the windmill. I highly recommend making it down to San Diego for the Shamu Rocks show at night. Off the hook!!! Those pictures don't look so hot on a blog, but he was practicing during another show. Like I said...we go A LOT! Gotta love the Fun Pass!

Sacrifice

2007-05-10T11:21:00.000-07:00

I think I started chickening out on the whole blog thing, but I realize that it is incredibily theraputic. Regardless of whether I share the link with anyone or not it is good for me. It seems God is really pressing upon me the idea of sacrifice lately. Not that He is requiring it of me...yet, but that I feel His gentle nudging. Urging if you will. The first incident was at Bible Study this week. We are just finishing up a Beth Moore study on Daniel and she spent over half of the time going over sacrifice and how in the book of Daniel Satan's way of turning the people away from God was to get them to become possessive and to stop sacrificing. As I asked God to help me to be more aware of the areas that He is asking me to make sacrifices in and to take the things He wants if I am unwilling or being disobedient, I clearly heard Him reply, "That is not a sacrifice. A sacrifice isn't me taking...it is you giving."

Settling In

2007-04-20T20:24:00.000-07:00

Well I have finally made the jump and started a blog. If anyone wonders where the title comes from it is a Mercy Me song. It was the theme song of this move to San Diego.

"What I've learned in my life the one thing greater than my strife is Your grasp so hold fast".

I've learned to hold fast on the days when being a mommy seems like the last thing I want to do. On the days when laundry, dinner, bills...you get the picture. But I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God's grasp is tight and these days with little ones are going to be gone before I know it. So I hold fast knowing I have been blessed beyond measure by two little girls who teach me more about myself everyday than I ever wanted to know. And I have learned how much I frustrate God and how much He loves me in spite of my childish behavior.